so, I didn’t want either of us to go away without me having gotten this off my chest:
jesus Christ, you leave the fucking country without saying goodbye? I actually can’t believe you. in all of your hunter student intelligence, you couldn’t think of a way to actually say goodbye, something more than “sorry my parents flipped, I’ll send you letters, gotta go bye”? that is really not okay. you disappear off the face of the earth for two weeks, and then when I finally get to see you, … today was fucking hard for me. I’ve been breaking down all over the place for the last month, if you need proof of just how significant what I’m going through is. I’m sure it pales in comparison to your earth-shattering drama, but hey, it’s still what I feel, and its got me breaking down in tears twice a week and not eating and generally flipping out, so I reason it’s worth a fucking ounce of your time and energy, when I can have all this going on and still give you 110% (or however much of that you’ll let me). I’m not asking that much, if you’re using absolutely all of yourself to keep together. it’s common fucking courtesy. i feel a damn bit taken for granted right now. I won’t always be waiting around for when you deign to come to me, or when zach’s not around for you to be flirting with. but hey, i’ve stuck around thus far, because that’s what friends do.
this email is probably coming out harsher than I intended. I realize what you’re going through—or if not actually realize, i respect that you’re going through a LOT of heavy stuff. but that doesn’t give you a right to completely blow me off—friends are there for each other. sometimes there are lapses, of course, rough spots, but after a few weeks, they snap out of it. and a good friend will stand by and be there on the other side. but i feel like ive been waiting out a rough spot all year, and it’s getting fucking tiresome. you of all people should know that i hate being second string, a backup, being taken for granted by people i care about. but tonight, and every now and then, with you, i feel like I did when I was crushing on anna, for fuck’s sake. im sick of being kept in the dark and being a backup for zach. Im starting to like you when you’re with him less and less. its just insulting. i care about you as much as you care about zach. but you know what? im still there for my friends, i don’t bump any of them down, because I have fucking self control, which is something you need to learn. ive seen you use self control with a razor. try it here. and most importantly, I don’t bump down my friends because they’re there for me when I need them, so I’m there for them when they need me. they’re there when I call them fucking sobbing because I don’t know what to do with you because you’re hardly acknowledging that I exist, let alone that I care about you and want to help. you make me feel as if I’m totally unqualified because I’m not your love interest-slash-dark and brooding with my own deep dark problems, and that is completely fucking unfair.
I don’t know why I’m bringing all this up before we both leave, except that I felt like I had to. I would like very much if you replied soon, but mostly, I just want you to reply. think it over. write me at camp, I guess. i’m sorry if this came out sounding harsh—this is just a stream of consciousness email. and see what I said about, I do realize that you’re going through a lot, and I’m not trying to belittle it in anyway. this was sort of a detox for me to write. but I’m going to send it anyway because it’s true nonetheless. and know that I’ll be here if you want me, but not otherwise. you know that I love you and I want to always be there for you, but I need something in return, recognition, someone that I can lean on when I need to. so… please reply, eventually.
fly safe, be well.
so... what's the verdict? did i do the right thing? did i fuck up? was i really unfair to her? was that a very dumb decision? or was it my prerogative? AAAAAHHHH!!! now i'm wigging out that it was super unfair and that it'll really fuck with her... but another part of me feels very glad that i sent it. but i'll never really be alright until i get some sort of resolution, which probably won't happen cause she's going to fucking Hungary for a month. argh. i don't know. i dont know i dont know. i never know with her. she's so...ah. i don't know.