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21 May, 2008 - 8:47am — tanith

So this is my first post in this journal...I'm horrible with introductions so I guess if people want to know more about me: read on or PM me.

So I've been living in Missouri for almost 3 years now and have only gone out on 2 dates! Albeit, those guys were wrong for me. It's as if everyone else around me aren't socially awkward when it comes to dating people, but it's very real for me. It's been more hookups or sad trials in the dating realm.

Everyone always says, "your time will come...you'll find him!"
I scoff a bit.

Of course, these people who say this, have dated numerous times or had experiences that I've yet to have. My god, I'm almost 22 now and not a decent date or nice guy has come around. I know, a lot of this is my fault. I'm so shy and nervous around people. I feel like I need to be perfect. I thought to myself once, "OMG, if he knew how much I weighed or if I don't suck all of my fat in, he'll dump me!"

Seriously people, this is a horrible train of thought to run off with. I dealt with a horrible eating disorder for 6 months previously because I always felt to worthless. Now fully medicated, where do I go? I'm full of doubt that I'm good enough for people minus the horrible side effects of being bulimic.

I just I've always felt so scared about relationships because I had such a horrible life with my family in high school when they found out that their son is gay. I've removed myself from the guilt that's called religion, but still feel awful about wanting to kiss a guy that I become so scared.

Sad for a soon to be 22 year old, right?

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21 May, 2008 - 9:41am — jeff
jeff's picture

Common traps...

Welcome to the site, hope you enjoy your stay here...

Dating only has one main component: chemistry. It is either there or not. Dating shouln't be stressful, because you are both peers, and you are there to see if you're someone who can make them happy. There's no downside to putting yourself out there to try and find and receive happiness. It isn't like an audition, where they are seeing if you're good enough for them. You're on equal ground.

One thing I do see in your post are two common traps: regret and worry.

To live a fulfulling life, you have to be in the present. Part of why you can't date or find some of this stuff is you're not here. You're too busy looking to the past and seeing a bad family life, eating disorders, etc., etc. -- or, you're looking to your future and seeing yourself alone while everyone around you is happy.

Looking back in the past is regret. And worry is the same procrastination, only projected into the future. When you do either one, you are not in the present. You need to do that to get out of your head and into life.

Otherwise, it can be a sad story at 24, 27, 29, 34...

I'm a big fan of a lot of spiritual teachers who talk about this stuff, such as Wayne Dyer, Byron Katie, and Eckhart Tolle. None have any religious affiliation, and all are pro-gay (I interviewed Katie for this site).

The biggest thing it to drop these anchors. Your family was unsupportive. It happened, let go of it. The church is anti-gay or insert your specific bad aspect, but now you left the church, so let go of it. Keep doing that until you're just standing there without all of this stuff you've been carrying around. It's not easy, and it will take some time.

But, you can do it. The subtext of your message is wanting joy, happiness, love, and everything you're here to experience and that you deserve. But the things preventing you from reaching those are usually mental/internal more often than not.

Weight and all these other issues are all interconnected with living in the present and learning to love yourself. You have to be your first teacher here. Once you love yourself, there's a path in that other people can more easily find.

But keeping coming back here, and we'll help you find it. And, welcome again. :-)

---

"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.

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