Well everyone I’m sure you noticed that, in some way, I was in a state of panic in my last journal entry. Well for finalities sake, I was. Things seem better now though. I went to his house again on Thursday and I had a good time, an actual good time, and I felt fine, better actually, after I had left.
That day I was lucky to speak with my therapist and was enlightened on a couple of things. One of those things was something I think helped me that day. I haven’t done research on this yet, to grasp it better, but it’s what my therapist said and he wouldn’t lie to me. He said that there was this Chinese guy, whom we all should have heard of, named Capricious. I’m pretty sure I spelled that wrong if it matters. My therapist said that Capricious believed that everything, and I’m not quoting my therapist or Capricious cause I won’t do it right if I try, is filled with meaning because of a void that exists within it. Examples: A coffee cup is only worth itself by the void it has, which holds the coffee. A wheel is only worth itself by the void it has, which contains an axel which helps the wheel to move. Even if I said something wrong, I’m sure you know what I mean.
My therapist went on to say that, finally I’m to the point, the very same logic exists within our human conversation. Follow what I’m saying? I was talking to my therapist about things I want to say to my good friend and he was telling me to be extra careful because my good friend is two years younger than me and everything that that implies. This made me worried that I would never get to tell my good friend things that I’ve always wanted to tell him. I guess there’s this part of me that is still dreadfully afraid of losing him for good. However the friendship that can cease has never been real. If that stands true, then something, at sometime, somewhere, somehow, will draw us together again, even if only in the mind. Anyway my therapist said that, because I’m worried that my good friend won’t really have a personal conversation with me again that I should simply stop doing all the talking. The silence (or so called void) will spark a conversation not from me, but from him. I tried it and by God it worked! We didn’t have any truly personal conversations but it got him to do some talking rather than me inquiring about everything.
I still think that we had a good time even though everything we did was utterly simple and part of normal day life. We play a video game, along with his cousin. We chilled around the house and got on the computer downloading music, legally might I add. We took pictures of some of his school art projects for one of his school finals and burnt the images onto disk. Just regular old stuff, it felt like magic though. I had to come back into town to pick my dad up and drop him off at home before I headed back and when I got back one of the first things he said was “dude, you should stay the night.” I was totally flattered. Keep in mind that my relationship with my good friend is strictly platonic so when he asks something like this it DOES NOT imply anything beyond our friendship.
Either way though I was still totally flattered. As much as I wanted to with all my desire I couldn’t have. I have accounting class for a while still and have to wake up at 7ish to get there with my ride, and I’d actually have to wake up at 3ish in the morning so my dad could have his vehicle to get to work, cause I don’t have my own vehicle. So it just would have been a big pain and I wouldn’t have been able to concentrate in my class. It hurt, but I was a man about it and dealt with it. One thing that really impressed me about this whole situation was that he even later, in his own way, asked me if I was going to stay the night or not again My good friend has grown up like any other guy in my town and isn’t very effeminate so him asking me again about it is basically like saying “please, I’d like you to stay.”
Anyway I think I’ve said enough and besides, I’ve still got to re-hack this journal entry and make it sibling safe, so I can send it to all my adult relatives without making them think I’m gay. Naturally it’s easier to just rewrite the whole thing but that still takes time. I’m really tired so forgive my typos, talk later.