I was about to write a journal about how messed-up,confused,closeted, and self-loathing I am.But I realised I have probably wrote that journal before.I somehow seem to keep re-writing it.I know I need change,I have said it before.But right now I just don't even know who or what I want to change.
I was at work today,tidying some clothes,folding some trousers to be precise,and I realised how much of a hypocrite I probably am.One of the guys is a mean guy.He is a racist,homophobic...blah blah blah.But for some reason I like him.I find him funny.I'm not attracted to him.But I want him to like me.He isn't particularly pleasant to most people,but for some reason he always talks to me.Has a joke with me.I seem to be one of his people.I like that.I like that I am a little bit in with him.I'm not his best friend or anything but I get a hell of a lot more from him than a lot of other people.
But how exactly did I come to be in with this mean guy?By not being myself that is how.I mostly stay quiet in work.I laugh at his jokes and I generally pretend to be something I am not.I do this with everyone though.I be who they want me to be.I am everyones friend.But I know this is going to get me into trouble because you can't please everyone,can you?You can't be everyones friend when everyone hates everyone now can you?
I seem to just have this need for peoples approval.I am always so concerned with what other people think of me.A friend pointed this out to me and I realised just how true it is.I think this journal has turned into yet another re-run of something I have already written so many times before,so I should probably stop.But there is still so much more to write that is running through my head,and disturbing my sleep.
So I will move onto the big issue of the evening.One of my friends finally dragged me on what was meant to be a night out with her her boyfriend and his friend.As much as she denies it,this was a set up for me and his friend to hook up.I went along because I had run out of ways to get out of it.The night turned into a disaster because the club we were going to was too full and refused us. But as we walked around looking for a way to get home,I wondered what I would have done if it hadn't all fallen apart.I wanted myself to like him,I really did.I found myself thinking..maybe I could get to like him.Maybe I just haven't given this a chance.Maybe if I get drunk enough this could work out.Even as I type this I know how ridiculus my thoughts sound.
Then there was the other half of me screaming wtf are you doing??A couple of weeks ago you were running along to lgbt clubs and being ecstatic to have joined them.But the thing is I wanted to like him.I wanted to be what my friend wanted of me.I want to be who everyone thinks I am.But I want to be myself.But I have lost myself,in far too much confusion.