I told my dad about my boyfriend tonight. I’ve been dating someone for a little over a month, and my dad didn’t know. So I told him… after having come out to him as some unspecified variety of queer only a few months ago. And then, I broke down.

I don’t know exactly why it happened. Earlier today I had been looking at photos of Marie. I haven’t done that in a while. Being in a relationship has helped her start to fade from my mind. I forget how I found the photos, but I looked through many of them and they reminded me of how adorable she is. And in the car on the way home, later, I was having a bad time, and I looked on my cell phone for a message from Marie to cheer me up. A few weeks ago, she left me a voicemail, and she ended it by saying she loved me. In a friend way, of course, but I saved it. I listened to it many times since then. And then this afternoon, in the car, I dialed the number for my mailbox to find her message, and it wasn’t there. It’s gone now. And that made me very sad.

Tonight I told my dad about my boyfriend. I said, attempting nonchalance but sensing somehow that it was going to be intense, “In case you haven’t already guessed, I feel like I should tell you, T and I are going out. And… um… you ought to know. And… but…” And at this point, I felt tears coming on, and I didn’t know why until I said “but that doesn’t mean I was kidding about Marie.” And then I turned away and busied myself with the dishes, so he couldn’t see my face.

This was supposed to be a happy thing. T does make me happy, much happier than unrequited pining over Marie did. But after I told my dad about him, I felt like suddenly things were breaking to pieces. I went to my room and turned off the light and just cried. Hard. I cried for thirty, maybe forty minutes – do you realize how long that much time feels to a crying person? I haven’t cried in months, until tonight. I was scared that I could cry that much, and I kept trying to stop, but I couldn’t.

And now I don’t know what to do. Everything felt all right yesterday. I didn’t know who I was – gay, straight or bi – but I didn’t care. And now I do care. A lot. I care so much. All of the sudden. It’s like all the healing from over the last few years was thrown away in an instant and all the uncertainty and disgust came crashing back down on me. Oh, it was frightening. And now I’m crying again. Damn it.

I know I’ll be all right. I know I’ll feel better in the morning. But right now, I’m not okay.