I'm really nervous about my upcoming working interview at the end of the month. I've worked at an emergency vet clinic the past two years (4000+ hours on the clock thus far) here in town, but now I'm trying for anouther clinic back home. There's a sense of family at the clinic I currently work at....I'm nervous about having to start all over.

After my last entry from last night, I feel all my self-doubt about life weighing down. Even though I'm highly medicated to combat the depression and anxiety, I feel unrest inside of me.

Most of it (besides the normal body image and boy troubles) lies upon my inability to be social within the gay community. As I mentioned earlier, I've always felt alot of shame about being gay. Therefore, it's transferred to other gay people.

I've tried my damnedest not to feel....I don't know...homophobic?! I don't think that's the right term, but the closest thing I can put a word to.

-I don't understand why the community feels the need to have pride parades
-I don't understand why we even need community in the first place!

Like I've said, I'm trying to move past all the bondage that was my childhood and all the homophobic things I heard back then.

Just trying to get rid so much baggage right now before I move...or maybe moving back home is really what I need to leave the baggage here.

There are some song lyrics I love and hope that I can do the same:
"Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down...

I'm through accepting limits
'Coz someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But 'till I try, I'll never know
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love - I guess I have lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost"

-Tanith