I'm going to copy and past bits of a conversation I had with a girl who is my friend that I just recently had. It is about the friend it has become apparent I am in love with.
I left his place feeling more alone than I did when I walked in.
To top that off he knows I'm gay. He doens't make a big deal about it or anything but I feel like that further seperates us.
I want the friendship I'm not getting something I want from but get hurt when I don't get the whatever it is I want and then when I'm away all I can think about is being back there doing something with him and that hurts too... which one do I need to pick?
Here's something the girl I was chatting with said: "thats because u like him 4 more then a friend."
Then I said: well it needs to stop. It's causing all sorts of problems.
I don't think it's healthy for me, and its obviously unreciprocated.
Part of me truly believes that if i just did my best to leave his life that he wouldn't miss me.
I don't want do distance myself from him, but I don't know how just playing it cool like everything is normal is going to help when it is apparent that I need more than what I'm EVER going to get from him.
She said: "Let it develop on its own."
I said: Even that is hard. Spending time with him just normally like I did today hurt more than being away from him for a WHOLE month.
I want to cry and scream with anger both at the same time.
Anyway as I'm sure you have guessed I got to do something with my good friend today, but despite the good time I had it was torture.
I'm going to try and go to the new Indiana Jones movie this friday but he wants to go with a group of friends that I only barley know one of. Go figure I guess, tell your best friend your gay (espeically if you're attracted to them) and what more should I expect than less one on one time?
He was REALLY cool about things today, I think we had fun, all of us. I just didn't feel satisfied. Sometimes I just wish I could hug him. Just a hug, and get one back, a good one. Sometimes I feel like that would make my day, just that plain old good natural acceptance. To know that I am wanted. I mean honestly it's not a customary thing for friends to speak about how they are glad they know each other, or how they mean a lot to each other.
Anyway, I hope to hear from someone. I need to go to bed.