this is an email i wrote to a friend and would like some insight into it! PS not my theory about bisexual woman so dont chew my head off for it - its the theory of the friend i am emailing
I have done a lot of journaling and soul-searching as of lately. Hours after I left your place last time, I let Megan go. We mutually agreed that things had become incredibly awkward between us. We spoke the next day, she wants to remain friends, assuming her boyfriend does not find out. She has one of my favourite books, I loaned her. And, I want it back. She knows what it means to me. So, to help her I asked my best friend (who she still works with) to get the book from her stating that she would see her before I would. (Innez knows no details to my knowledge). She phoned me yesterday, to say that Megan is insisting on bringing the book over herself.
I for one, don't know how I feel about that. Megan e-mailed me last night, and things between her and I seen as normal as ever. Yet, I remain feeling guilty! I'm not sure if this is conscious, but I need to get this out there anyway. I know mom has asked me since letting go of Megan if there was an attraction. At the time, I didn't think there was. I would still like to think there wasn't but why then if that's the case am I feeling disheartened, ashamed, guilty, and alone? Wow, I've seemed to hit a nerve with that last sentence. I don't feel like I was in any way out of line through any of the situation, and yet I'm still the one that's beating myself up about it. Megan is one intuitive woman. I wrote something to the effect of I hope there's no hard feelings for my asking you to move on (mutually agreed-upon course so really it wasn't me asking to move on but anyway) she wrote back something to the effect of why would I be mad about that? I've let it go, what happened happened and there's no need for you to beat yourself up about it! Those few lines from her made me cry. Dictating them now, I find myself tearing up again. I feel so ridiculous, to have such an strong emotion given that I only knew her for a week. I don't understand still even after journaling my emotion? It took me out. That much I know, I would like to remain her friend she's a wonderful woman but not if I'm going to be the ping-pong ball between her and her boyfriend. She needs to sort out her own shit. Intuitively, I know there is an attraction between us. I can't label it as they don't have a word to reference it to, but I'm not about to overstep the line of her relationship. I get intuitively I know that's what she wanted me I know she wants me to save her as you said. I also know that I'm in no position to do that. They've been together for almost 5 years, if they split she moves back to Guelph, and she doesn't drive. So therefore, I think there's also an expectation subconsciously again that I would find her place. Regardless this is only speculation. One thing I know for sure is, she's unhappy in her current situation. She didn't have to verbally say it for me to know and recognize the sadness behind her eyes when she spoke of him. I thought more and more, about your theory that there's no such thing as a bisexual woman, and Megan is a prime example of that. Like Rosie, I sense that Megan is envious of the fact that I'm out as a lesbian woman. But it seems like all these women for me to do is save them. I can't! They want me to be a hero, they want me to be strong! Is it that all I've ever been? I don't really understand. I hate the loneliness I'm feeling. I hate that I feel like nobody understands. Isolation is something that I'm used to so why is this any different? My need to nurture it's incredibly strong I don't know what to do with that. It's not that I don't know how to nurture, it's that right now I feel like I have nothing to nurture, no one, whether that be of a human variety or animal I'm just feeling a loss. That was one thing that Rosie allowed me to do. She allowed me to care for her, even if that wasn't returned always. That's been missing since I've come out and I feel lost.
What are your thoughts?
ps sorry for how long this is and if some words dont fit sorry again used dragon to type this so i hope you can decode it LOL