Last night, in a stroke of genius, I decided to facebook message j, the girl that I've been seeing, and tell her about the I'm-probably-more-than-likely-schizophrenic thing.

This morning it started to feel like it really wasnt a good idea after all.

- She hasn't read the message yet, says facebook.
So I go in and furtively try to find a way to delete the message before she sees it.

-It doesnt work.

Then, I reread the message.
- That was a big mistake. I sound completely neurotic.

I could go and send a less neurotic/self-concience/awkward follow-up, but unfortunately last night I was feeling sufficiently self-concience enough that I already sent a short follow up.

- I dont come out any better in that one, either.

Then, I proceed to have a massive panic attack about my possible long-term mental state.
.way.to.be.even.more.neurotic.

I'm a complete basket-case. I don't even know why I'm so paranoid about telling anyone this, especially j. Or why I'm so paranoid about getting help. I used to think that that meant that I was more in control of myself. that if i could get by without help then obviously I was in control of the situation. Now I'm beginning to feel more like that's a lie I keep telling myself to deny the possibility that its actually the not-right part of me that is generating these feelings. Because deep down I'm really very scared of getting any outside help. Especially of going to a doctor and talking to them about all of this. One of the first time I heard voices... at first there was one. and among other things it said that I should never tell anyone, and then when there was two they began talking to each other about the horrible things that would happen if I did.
how in the world is it that I feel like I'm in control of the situation, really?

I really don't want j to open that email.