I'll probably keep this journal brief as it is almost 1:30am and I have college tomorrow.I just really need to blog a bit because I think I am going crazy.I know I have been around and around in circles with my feelings on being gay,wanting to be out,not wanting to be out,not being sure of anything etc...I also know I have recieved some very good advice on the subject and what to do about it on this site.But I seem to still find myself completely stuck.
Things have gotten to the point where I am so worried about people noticing I am gay that I am worrying about my clothes incase they look too gay.Even as I type this I am cringing at myself.I know this is all ridiculus.But it seems to be where I am at with this.I am glad I have told the friends that I have told,but part of me also hates it.Like when I am sitting in college and my friend keeps asking me if I fancy her blah blah blah.I probably shouldn't be too hard on him,he is just being a typical guy about it I think.Though he has been very supportive.
I think ultimatly I just need to come out completely because I am also feeling so much guilt over the friends,who are very good friends,but whom I haven't told.Like when the guy I just mentioned above mentions it,I feel a stab of guilt that I haven't told my other college friend,and it all feels so messed up.But I am sort of scared that when I do tell everyone that I will still feel just as crappy about it as I do now,and all this fear and paranoia has turned me into a crazy person I feel.
Today I don't think I liked myself very much, or who I was being.I was having a singing lesson and I have known my teacher for a long time,and lately I have noticed myself acting like this person that is a bit of an idiot/smartass in my lessons.I don't do it on purpose.I think I just try too hard to put across the idea that I am ok,I am a normal happy person.But really I am trying too hard to cover up and I think it started to show a little.
Then when I was queing for the bus on the way home I was thinking about everything,and for minute I considered just ending it all.I know killing myself is not the answer,and I would never carry through on it.But just for a minute I was thinking about it.I find myself doing that from time to time lately.But I know nothing is worth doing that.
Anyways I am rambling now and need some sleep.So goodnight Oasis.