so. Bonnie (my very close recently single lesbian friend) came over last night and I'd been thinking it might be fun to date her, because we have so much in common and she's cute and I already know I won't get sick of her. Logicistically, totally cool.

So I wrote a little thing to her telling her we could maybe start something for fun, see where it goes. And it was cool and we cuddled all night and joked around and then I started thinking it wasn't right. I can think of her as a snuggly close good friend. But when I start thinking of her as like, a girlfriend, well, it's ew. Its kinda insestuous almost.

So in the later part of the morning, I talked to her about it and she got it, I think, but was pretty upset.

It's how I work: I know what i want. I want a girlfriend. I really want it to be Maria but i Know it wont ever happen. So I grab the first girl that goes by, vent on her for a month, and then cast her away. And I respect Bonnie too much to do that to her.

Already, though, I feel a little better, more requitted. Like, haha, I could make a girl upset. It wasn't the girl who I wanted to get upset over me but it's something.

I know how to use people to make me feel better. And I don't want to do it, but it's just so easy.

I'm glad I caught myself before I made Bonnie miserable. I can't date a person I respect. I can't respect a person I date. End of story.