In general things have been in state of suspension that I've started to grow acustomed to since leaving school.

Mostly the only things going on are in the romantic sector, which is ironic considering how often I experience human contact outside of my immediate family.

Tonight is the first night since leaving school that I haven't called L, even though we supposedly were over as a result of the move. I know that on her end it was something else, but on mine it was hard to say no to the makings of a long-distance relationship given how it was asking no actual sacrifice of me and how much human connection I've been lacking. We were together for almost 6 months in person, plus the extra time I mentioned above. I moved in with her for 2.

Its kind of horrible that the longest romantic relationship I've ever maintained was a result of a drunken hookup and an overwhelmingly emotionally lazy facet of personal inertia.

Went to gov school all day saturday with the family to help my sister find a prom dress. I thought at the time that it was beyond unfortunate that none of my established friends were there, but it turned out to be quite the opposite. I hung out with j, who I talked about in my last post,all day. We walked around and then sat together and made art. Which has everything to do with why L has neglected to call.

At first I was really overwhelmed by all of the things that come with getting to know her... well, I'm still overwhelmed, but am trying to deal with it better. Everything is so different around her.

When I'm with j it feels like I'm with another part of myself. Which is not to say that she reminds me of myself or anything like that. Or even that I feel at ease around her... in fact it's kind of the opposite. Everything between us feels uncomfortably honest -- vaguely familiar and yet foreign and distinct.

Her unrelenting honesty makes me feel the gravity of the minor alterations and substitutions that we make in our process of being or expressing for the sake of appearances or social graces.

Its not even necessarily that she's laid all bare for me (we've talked alot on the phone and in email in addition to hanging out). It just feels like unrelenting honesty when in reality shes just grazing the surface of what she has/is experiencing. But it makes all of my omissions seem so cowardly.

Sunday night she called me because she couldnt sleep.
She only sleeps 4 or so hours a night, because of nightmares.
I was busy feeling exceptionally sorry for myself and bitter towards my parents because I may not get to go back to school next year because of their financial actions. She said she hates her mother and I asked her why. She calmly relayed how her mother carefully washed the blood out of her panties from the ages of 7 to 11, and did almost nothing beyond that and reassuring her that "it would all be over soon" in response to a family friend raping her at least once a week.

Saturday we were sitting on some steps and I held her from behind, holding hands for the longest time. She said that she could feel my heart beating and that she felt safe.
I wish that holding her could make her feel safe when she slept.