I think I have a crush on my friend S from drama class. In the last month or two, well, I guess her smile started lighting everything up, and she always somehow looks pretty without doing anything special. SHE is special. I love her. The thing is... I really want to tell her... but even if I wasn’t scared, I guess I don’t know how to do that.

I almost kissed her today. I’ve been daydreaming about it for weeks, and I know I had the chance because we were alone backstage for like ten minutes. I didn’t. I kicked myself afterward, I felt like such a coward, but, I don’t know.

I did tell her I thought I was gay a couple weeks ago. I just blurted it out before I lost my nerve, really, but she was fine with it. But I know her, and I know the general attitudes of our circles of friends — I could kind of guess that it’d be OK to come out. (She’s one of only about half a dozen people who know, by the way.) Having feelings for her, it seems kind of different. Harder.

I don’t think she’d hate me for falling in love with her. I can’t know, I guess, but we’ve been friends for quite a while now and I don’t think she’s like that. Part of me is still scared of the possibility, though. More likely things could get really awkward. And maybe she’s straight. I guess I can’t know that either. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t have a boyfriend, and I’ve never heard her talk about ‘cute’ or ‘hot’ guys the way some of my other friends do. Other than that, I don’t think I’ve seen much clue one way or the other.

Um... if anybody out there has suggestions that would be really helpful. I’m at a bit of a loss.

I don't think this really came out in all the right words... but I guess I will post it anyway...