End of Days.
Not sure where I got that title from but it has to come from a book or movie..bible perhaps? Anyways yeah I feel just so swamped in everything, from school to friends, i just really shouldn't interact with people, Perhaps I'll leave the city and transfer to some crazy small liberal arts college in new england, i'll major in something harmless like english and spend my days writing (badly) by the ocean.
I really do feel lonely, which is such a sad emotion to feel because it's desperate, its even worse then that its pitiful. And I feel like I keep doing the same things over and over again, same parties, same classes, same people. Don't get me wrong I love my life and I'm incredibly lucky to be where I am. But all that just makes the whole situation even more depressing because I have no right to feel the way I do when there's people who don't even have a place to live in.
I just saw the film city of god, wow. No words for it, but everyone should check it out, its about drug wars outside rio. I also recently watched a terribly depressing episode of six feet under --- I should start watching happier tv shows i guess
I don't know what I really want -- I don't want to drink, I don't want to smoke, and I don't want to talk about it -- that's the problem it's like I'm paralyzed. I feel so guilty too -- I guess you could call it shame over my sexuality because it's just hitting me how much it will affect my family. One can say as much bull-shit as they want about how you have to live your own life and so on but it's not anger I'm afraid of (though I'm sure their will be some) it's disappointment and extreme, extreme sadness that I'm afraid.
I've been thinking that maybe one of the reasons, for lack of a better word, I don't put myself out there and attempt to meet people is for the very reason stated above. But then again I could just be using this as a coverup for why I really don't do that. There's obviously one very large reason why I don't, I but i think it's a lot more complex then I I want to think.
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... well there is an episode
... well there is an episode of buffy called "End of Days." In season 7.
Be yourself. 'Cause if you're busy being somebody else, who's gonna be you?
Umm...
If you were straight and lived your life to make sure your parents were never disappointed, then you'd be just as bad off.
First of all, being gay is genetic, so... not sure why your genetic contributors are somehow outside the situation here. Either Dad's fag sperm or Mom's dykey eggs had a hand here. If you're one of the few that chose it, then I don't have much advice for you.
If your truth makes them sad, then that's their problem, not yours. If their love is conditional, then it is their issues to work out. If you aren't living your truth so they can be happy, they don't deserve it anyway.
Of course, you might be right. This could be one level removed. Knowing you are closeted is a good way to prevent you from living, so as long as you perpetuate your obstacles as insurmountable, you constantly have a finger to point outward, rather than at yourself. It's your parents, where you grow up, your friends, society, etc., etc., (just read five random posts on Oasis, you'll see something like that in 2-3 of them), because it allows you to be pure and blameless and victimized and empathetic.
Wouldn't your parents to be sadder knowing you question their love and support? That you reject love from finding you because of their possible disappointment? That you prevent them knowing who you really are for the risk they wouldn't love you otherwise? If that's the case, are these really the kind of people worth wasting your life over?
Of course, I don't think that's true. Sure, they'll need some mourning process for the fake hetero life they imagined all along, as though they never heard of gay people before. And you need to give them time to say dumb stuff and be awkward without seeming burdened by it.
But, I think that most of this thinking is just self-created obstacles to justify remaining closeted AND more reasons why you get to not learn how to live, pointing the finger elsewhere the whole time.
If that's the side of "bullshit," I much prefer it.
---
"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.
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Ditto Jeff. I can tell you
Ditto Jeff. I can tell you honestly, without a doubt in my mind at all, that once you become ok with yourself and start opening up to people more (face to face) you will feel more empowered and happy (assuming your non-heterosexuality is the main issue for your depression). Start telling your story. If you would answer some of these questions, even here, it might help. Telling our own personal coming out story is extremely empowering. I've watched it happen. You can start here.
When did you first start to realize you might not be hetero? What happened? Was anyone involved or did you just start realizing some different kinds of crushes? Have you met any other gay folks before? Did you know anyone gay at that point? Or were you totally isolated. I haven't read your profile, so you might have answered all of this. Just throwing it out there. Have you told anyone how you feel beside on Oasis? Anyone face to face? Have you looked up resources? Do you know any straight allies personally? They are everywhere, just like us! :)
If you start out with that, it might be helpful. I would love to hear your story!
Eileen
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