I don't know what it is that I want to say tonight...

For some reason, she's on my mind tonight. I woke up with her on my mind on Friday...And since then, I've been too busy to hear myself think, much less think about her. It's not that I'm not over her. I am...We've been apart for almost a year...But damnit...she really hurt me. And most days it doesn't bother me...But then a song come on iTunes and there's that burning knife of pain in my chest again...I put so much of my time and energy and my soul into us...and I don't even know what the truth is anymore...I can love the memories, but I don't love her anymore...But sometimes, I'll be out and somebody who slightly looks like her will cross my path and it's like the world stands still. I hate it. And it's not that I miss our relationship. Our relationship was fucked up. I miss our friendship. How we'd talk for a few hours every day. I wonder how she is and how her gf is and how her neice and her entire family. Because I was so deeply entangled in her life for so long, it's strange still to not be involved.

Whats also strange is realizing that you're in love. It just kind of hit me today. I've known that I loved her since I accidentally whispered it in her ear almost a year ago...I mean, we've been talking more and more about the future...And I almost feel like I'm robbing her of her ability to choose. Just because my future is quickly becoming my present, does not mean that she has to make those same descions now. But I doubt that I would be able to get anywhere without her...It isn't codependancy or anything remotely like that. Its...knowing that I have our life together to think about when I make my choices about the future. I'm graduating in June and the things I do now, will effect what I do after graduation. I just...I want her to feel free to make her own choices...I'm afraid that I'll be trapping her too soon, just like her sister is trapt too soon by her unborn child.

So I just reread all of what I just wrote...And I didn't even realize that I felt that way.

In other news, I'll be getting a laptop soon. My cousin is going to sell me her old one for $200. Which is AMAZING. It's only about a year or so old and I can't really afford a new one, nor do I want to learn how to master Microsoft Vista...

I miss my lover...When we went prom dress shopping last week, we went into David's Bridal and looked about...I do believe I have found my wedding dress. It's white, with a red sash, and then we went on to discuss all the details...It's nice to day dream...But also know that we are far far far too poor at this point to pull our dreams off any time soon. But that's alright. I've got the rest of my life...

I wish I was in her arms now...I've seen her everyday since last Saturday. I love it!

Every time I say that I don't know what to say, I end up spewing out words...
♥