I remember seeing her in another girl’s arms. That night almost killed me. I spent half of the stupid movie night for my school’s GSA out in the hallway, praying I wouldn’t break down. I panicked with the best of them, and then later that night I did. I thought there was no possible way that she could look that content and still love me…

And then she was crawling through my window and I was pinching myself in places she couldn’t see, trying to convince myself that this was real. And it was and it is.

I’ve been unhappy lately. Everything seems like a constant struggle. Not just to continue, but to thrive. Because what good is a life if you do not succeed? I suppose you could say that I am tired of hiding. Or you could say that I simply want more than what I’ve got. It’s not that I want acceptance. It’s that I am tired of double standards. I want to be able to hold her hand and kiss her while standing in my kitchen. And the days are just flying by until I can. Can what? Because it’s not like my 18th birthday will change the previous 18 years. My parents will not suddenly wake up and realize that when I came out at 13, I meant it.

I’ve got this urge, I just want to walk into my living room, ask my father if we can talk, and just sit down and for once in our stupid, stubborn, angry lives, identify with each other. I want to tell him how tired I am of having to hide. How important to me she is. How much it breaks my heart for my mother to constantly try to stop me from seeing her. That I love her. And that without her, I’m an even bigger mess than I already seem to be. But I’m not sure how to say anything close to those words. I can’t even think about it without tearing up. It’s not that I’ve got regrets. It’s that I…I want him to understand…desperately.

And now my tears are falling and I can hear her on the phone asking me if I’m okay…And I am. I just…I want the singular parts of our lives to join. I want what I can’t have yet. I want to begin my life and stop feeling trapped by my adolescence. I want to spend weekday mornings in her arms, while the midday sun pours through the windows. I want to marry this girl, and I want to raise babies by her side. I want our dreams, and even then, I know that dreams don’t come true and that nothing is perfect. For once I am willing to branch off of a set plan and embrace the flaws that seem to coincide with life. I want all the possibilities that our lives can hold, if only we give it a chance.

♥