Sunday, March 23, 2008, 6:50 PM
Well everyone how was your Easter? I hope to the least of its extents that it was happy in some way or another.
I guess I’ll try and pick the things I deem worthy of telling. First of all, I feel like I can’t even truly be the way I am when I write in private because I’m not in private. I might not have the ability to express myself as I usually would because I’m in a public room, my laptop is currently in transit to some place where they are, hopefully, going to fix it. Somehow I ended up with it broken, don’t know how but it did.
It feels like spring break was the culmination of part of my life. I guess it’s a “life goal.” A life goal is what I call a point in one person’s life where they no longer know what their goal is because they’ve already achieved it in some way, form, or fashion.
What’s truly weird is that technically that’s impossible. I have several life goals including finishing my education, getting a job, taking care of myself and meeting what things I need about life fulfilled. Then again isn’t that everyone’s life goal? I think it is. I mean I can understand how for people in third world countries and other similar places it may be kinda hard to reach those goals so they may have others but isn’t the general idea to just further our lives and make them better? Isn’t everyone trying to do that?
I guess in the process of trying to make a point I stumbled upon something much more to the point. What I’m trying to say is that now that now that I’m back in college things don’t feel as right as they did. Something is different again, be it wrong or not. I’m questioning the purpose of my education being furthered, especially since it’s for something I don’t even see how I’m going to enjoy and I can’t help but wonder where I really want to go with my life.
The point is that I’m trying to do what everyone seems to be doing. I’m trying to further my life. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not appreciative of where I am, because I’ve made several strides over the years but can I ever be settled? How can I ever be settled? I can get my secretarial job and buy a house and a car but how will that be enough to make me happy? I know I will need those things but I feel like in the scheme of life they are just methods of advancement, or comforts of success. How can I survive without them but how do I continually survive with them? I think it can just as hard either way, now isn’t that ironic!
Over spring break I did nothing but hang with friends, go places, work a little, and spend money yet I feel like I had a better time in that one week and weekend than I did over the entirety of my Christmas vacation. I had a good time!
So far in my life I’ve been able to survive with other peoples help. It’s true that I am afraid of doing life by myself but right now I haven’t had to. I got by on spring break using my dad’s truck, my money, and other people (in a good way) and the comfort of just their presence. So I guess the only thing that concerns me about that is the fact that I haven’t realized what it’s like to struggle to pay the bills, to struggle along with the fine print of life. WHERE IS MY MOTIVATION! I can grasp the emotional aspect of it, but for me that’s the easiest part so it doesn’t count.
I’m pretty sure that I’ve strayed off subject but I think a point comes from it all regardless.
I don’t know what I want to do with my life but then at the same time it feels like all the things I want to do with my life are totally out of reach, or even worse totally useless. It makes things seem kinda pointless. Sincerely. I’m not going to give up or anything but something in me wonders exactly how I’m trying in the first place. How am I succeeding? I don’t care that I’m in college and that I haven’t flunked out. Enough of the world is capable of doing that.
I feel like I did more over spring break than I’m doing here and what I did on spring break isn’t what counts. It may help define me, sure, but it’s not going to help me with my intro to account class this summer. It’s not going to raise my D in my document production class. If it can’t help with what is really important why on earth does it feel more important than what it is unable of helping?
I find moments in life all the time, and they’re all important but why are they more important in my head than the one thing that should be most important in my head right now?