Well...
last night I talked to my ex.
*cue dramatic music*
I hadn't talked to her in about a month, and was starting to feel like my own self again. But I missed her, and was thinking about how she never actually MEANT to hurt me, how she's confused, scared, not out to parents, not comfortable with being gay,etc. We're both around the same age, she's fun, cool, smart, and all that jazz, so I thought it would be a good idea to you know, contact her, have a normal, non-dramatic conversation, tell her i'm cool with her not being ready for a relationship, and then just talk like I talk with my friends.
Well um here's what I've discovered:
It's hard to just "talk like you talk with your friends" with someone you barely know, but have hooked up with. It like throws things way outa balance, and you're floating around, screaming in unfamiliar territory.
It's not what she said exactly, but what she didn't say, that hurt/bothered me. I realize I want so much more from her. I don't want to be the one making all the mature, let's get past this and be friends moves. Because I don't feel like getting rejected a second time, thank you very much.
I'm realizing that when I fell for her, I thought she was magnificent, out of this world, like a goddess. Well, she's fallen off her pedestal down to earth, and I can see she's just a fucked up human being like everybody else. She isn' t going to change my life, cure me of all my past pain, give me everything I want, ec., which sounds SO obvious, I feel stupid writing it. But what can I say? Getting naked with someone plays tricks with your mind.
So I think I am DONE making an effort with her. And as hard as it is, I'm just going to have to remember the brief, good time we had together, and move on. No wondering. No wishing. No imagined future romances.
I am a sexy, fun, funny, interesting, smart girl, and I need someone who treats me as such. Hoping that because I still partly think she's so amazing my ex is going to change and step up to the plate is only a waste of my time. If she wants my friendship, or anything else from me, she's gonna have to prove herself to me, and I'm not gonna sit around waiting for that day, because quite frankly, I doubt it's going to happen.
It's not that I'm giving up on wonderful love stories. I'm just not attatching the hope of the story to the wrong person.
So. Enough feeling down and sorry for myself. I have great friends, one of whom spent two hours talking to me last night (after I had talked to my ex) even though she had a class early the next morning. I'm going to appreciate them more, and you know, get out and have some fun!
I was able to make myself vulnerable - something I had never been able to do before with someone I was attracted to. I was honest, open, loving, and simply expected the same from someone else. So I have committed no wrong. In fact, in pushing so many of my boundaries, and in doing so many things I had wanted to do, but was scared of, I think that in time I will realize I am a bigger, stronger person.