I feel like my life is spinning out of control. I'm hurting the ones I love and its killing me, when I get back to college, in a week, I'm going to the counseling center and going to get help.

So I came back home today and when I got back my mom received a letter from my college about the alcohol thing, except there's a problem, it says that I did drugs too. Now for background the first time I got in trouble it smelled like pot but I was not charged for it only alcohol and my mom is going to call and ask about it, though she just might not.

I'm so depressed because I know it will hurt my mom like nothing else, it makes me sick to my stomach and tears are welling up in my eyes as I write this. I don't know what to do, I hope for both our sakes she does not call. Its not like I have a drug problem or anything I have smoked twice in the last like 4 months granted its more because I’m not going to risk getting caught but I know my limits. I just hate hurting my mom. Today after she read the letter, I almost threw up and have felt light headed and dizzy all night. I don't think she'll believe that it wasn't me and while I do good in school, I don't do good enough for her to overlook this. And while this is not the case of my probelms it is the tipping point and I want to do something about it gets any worse

And I'm starting to think I might be depressed or have an anxiety disorder or something along those lines. Because I freak out over everything, I freak out every time I take a subway and while it hasn't stopped me yet, I'm sure it won't be long. I also have these random anxiety episodes, usually when I'm by myself at night and I became insanely irrational and feel like I can't breath and such. This has just gotten to the tipping point, I feel like I could break down at any moment.