Okay so I have been awake on and off since 4 a.m. and i finally got up and decided that I probably need to write this here one to get it out of my system and two to see what your insight may be. (in other words please comment)
I was awake because when C. came to visit me a few weeks ago (she is my personal care attendant and has taken time off due to school commitments) When she walked in (it had been about 3 months since I have seen her) I saw her in a new light and I didn't understand the feelings.
I woke up tears streaming down my face and relizing with a fleeting heart that I have a crush on C. C. has been through it all with me, my questioning, breakup, and now this drifting phase I am orbitting around life waiting for my life to start instead of taking the steps to start my life. I can't tell C. for fear she will quit working for me.
I believe C. could be gay, she's lived with A. (a. is female and C.'s best friend) and A.'s family for as long as i have known her. and, never been on a date since i have known her (3 years) sooooo I am like hmm I dont understand...she says shes straight but just doesnt have time there is some truth to that C. is a second year nursing student and the catcher for the Canadian national womens baseball team.
shes gorgious though and I am feelin' really alone these days.
what do you recommend i do I dont think i can keep this from c but i am also quite embaressed by it. I mean C and I are friends but she is also somewhat professional so like it may make things awkward between us and then the added fact that my mother adores C she loves to cook for us when C is working because C will eat anything and everything gawd how the hell does she look that good?
shes 26 close to 6" and blonde and really fits in to my family and we are very similar personalities i think she may be my only way to get to pride Toronto this year I really want to go but I will need an attendant to accompany me- she would make one hell of a partner but I can't go there given the nature of our current relationship or can I?
ps sorry for how long this entry ended up being!