Jeff's next book project. You can help!
So, as I am nearing the end of this edit on my novel, at which point friends and family will get to review it finally, I need to start looking toward the next one.
My goal is to sort of work in all genres, and have a mix of fiction, non-fiction, essays, you name it.
So, after doing this site for going on 13 years, I figure it's time to finally put down all my thoughts in book form, actually, I should rephrase that... in letter form.
My next project is "Letters To a Young Closet Case," a take on the Rainier Marie Rilke book "Letters To a Young Poet," although I concede spoofing this format is not unique by any means.
Why Closet Case? Well, I needed a way to make it not gender-specific and appeal to the community at large, which required a more umbrella term.
If you're on the site regularly enough, my views on things will not be anything new, of course. And I doubt my book will be loved by GLSEN, P-FLAG and a lot of the mainstays, since I do sort of take a hardline on certain things, rather than the welcoming blanket approach a lot of people take on everything.
But, this will be the first time I've ever really sat down specifically to focus on them, and try and make all the points I desire on each topic.
I think the book, upon its release in I would guess 2010, will funnel more traffic here, of course.
But, the big issue now is... what topics do you want to see covered? Broad issues, that is. Just want to make sure I don't miss anything, so I'm starting the list in advance of finishing the edit on my novel, so my next project is ready to go as soon as that edit is done.
So, fire away, don't skip something if it seems obvious, since them being obvious may make me overlook them, too.
What things did you need to hear when you were in the closet? What would have helped? What do you still need help with? Unload here, and I'll sort it out in book form.
I'm sure people on the site will have access on this book throughout the writing, in some fashion, so jump in now. I'm gearing up to start on this...
If you are not getting confirmation e-mails from Oasis to complete your membership, don't hesitate to e-mail jeff at oasismag dot com. Be sure to include your username.
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- wantstobeout
hmj, a book by jeff on
hmj, a book by jeff on coming out? Seems whatever you'd say would be better than the usual "oooh it'll be okay" way of giving advice. =P
I don't really have input though because, I was never much of a closet case. You should Mention how much easier we have it nowadays than people in like, the 50s. Because that's easy for us to forget.
Be yourself. 'Cause if you're busy being somebody else, who's gonna be you?
Thanks...
It just seems I've typed all of this stuff so much, it was like, I should just get this all down in one place already. There will be some of that, but not too much. I grew up in the 70s/80s, so there's enough of a difference between every decade from then until now to sort of show how things have changed. Don't think we'll be treading into Mattachine Society/Daughters of Bilitis deeply, if at all, though.
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"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.
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Even the distinction between
Even the distinction between the East and West Coast (along with other areas) might be good. 'Cause we know certain places did not become as accepting as quickly ex: philly. My friend grew up around here and shocked his friends in Cali with stories of intolerance maybe 20 years ago? *Shrug* it amazes me sometimes.
I know there's "black sheep," but what about rainbow ones?
Jeff,
I wonder if I might bother you for an idea myself. A class that I'm taking this quarter, LGBTS 187, has a service learning component and requires that I secure an internship with an organization that has some kind of ties to the LGBTQ community. We have been given a rather large list of possible places, but most of them are the very visible corporate yuckiness that I'm not too keen on working with or representing (such as GLAAD, GLSEN, Gay and Lesbian Task Force, APLA, LAMBDA, etc) Do you know of any organization that are maybe a bit more grassroots (ish)? Oh and in Los Angeles? Or at least have an office in Los Angeles.
Well, first off, what is
Well, first off, what is your background? I have Oasis projects you might be able to launch if we could get that approved. There are a lot of dormant things here I don't have the time to do, sadly a lot are technology-stalled.
I think the best big corporate things to work for are GLSEN, Lambda, and ACLU. Most of the good work I see being done are from those three groups.
California-specific stuff that's worthwhile:
http://www.lifeworksmentoring.org/
http://www.eqca.org/
http://www.gsanetwork.org/
I'm least familiar, but more intrigued with Lifeworks Mentoring, since that seems like you would have the most direct interaction with young gays, helping them get on the right track, etc.
---
"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.
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Thanks!
Hmm, I do not have a technological background really, in so much as I have no idea about web design or web site production. My background is photography and political science. I am going to law school in the fall of 09 so Lambda seems to be the best choice for me educationally and perhaps professionally, but I really would rather work with a smaller more hands on organization. I don't want to get stuck getting coffee and making copies, lol! I'm going to check out the links you gave, and thank you once again! Also, I'm happy to help with Oasis in any capacity I can, with or without the internship. :)
So, I emailed Michael
So, I emailed Michael Ferrera of Life Works Mentoring, and he's all but offered me an internship already. Thanks Jeff!
Sweet...
They seem like a good group doing important things.
---
"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.
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Funny, I always thought this
Funny, I always thought this place kind of was like a big welcoming blanket cuddlefest.... Maybe I should check out what GLSEN and PFLAG are doing.
Well...
The main differences are that they worry about legal repercussions, and I don't.
That is why people under 13 are allowed to register here, and why I can never e-mail members of the site. I'd rather lose the ability to send e-mails if someone under 13 can be here without lying.
Most national groups, and many regional ones have an issue with how adults and kids interact on a site. In-person support groups would forbid me from ever seeing a kid from group outside of group, whereas I just had dinner with a 17 y/o member of Oasis who was in SF two weeks ago. They are covering their ass, in case anything happens, whereas I know I'm not interested in fucking kids, so I don't bother worrying over such things.
Adults in more structured national groups wouldn't say fucking kids on a public message board.
And, frankly, I find they just soft-pedal over a lot of things. Everything will work out alright, and how important things are, and other such platitudes. I say the same stuff, but am more apt to give advice, which again, they would consider bad.
I think they are concerned about saying something that might later be found on the computer of a gay kid who committed suicide, whereas I'm not because I figure that message was possibly the only thing that may have stopped them. But, you know, parents find that, and it's an adult they can sue who knew their kid had problems. Hasn't happened yet, though.
All worth the risk, but you know I'm not worried about fund-raising and all of that other stuff, and I know I never cross the line even on IM with Oasis kids. I will say things that are clearly inappropriate, but never directly inappropriate regarding my relationship with the kids I chat with, etc. I will gladly have discussions about their sexual experiences, what it was like, etc., but you know I won't ever talk sexually with them in general, or steer things where it's me getting information that isn't necessary ("So, which one of you rapscallions had the bigger dick?", etc.)
I would say those are the major differences. I find the other places to be warm and welcoming, but ONLY warm and welcoming. I think Oasis has the potential, and perhaps the outright mission, of trying to go a bit deeper than that once you feel welcome. The others are providing the platform for that depth to happen, but the depth itself isn't their job.
---
"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.
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ideas
I think you should cover things like religion & sexuality(that was a biggie for me), coming out to your folks, meeting gay friends.
--The reason I can pursue something with no fear... is because I'm afraid to go without it."-- Shuichi, Gravitation--
Yeah...
Religion is a big one, but certainly something I've dealt with enough. Trick there will be to make sure the letters make sure everyone can sort of find their own truth, since some people want to morph their sexuality to fit their religion, some want to make the religion work around their sexuality (slight difference), some look to other religious groups, and some toss the whole religion thing aside, so mainly have to make the book reach as many people and be as one-size-fits-all as it can be.
---
"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.
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I'm either having deja-vu or
I'm either having deja-vu or we've talked about this project before.. I could be wrong. I dunno. I'm a little crazy.
Stereotypes- I feel that a lot of people (including myself) feel that once they come out they have to fit a certain stereotype- lesbians have to be rough and tuff. Gay boys have to be into fashion etc. It's like inorder to prove to yourself and others you have to fit these stereotypes to really be gay. I know not everyone feels this way but many of my friends and myself have felt this way.
Also the idea that many books have and tv have put in our heads that because we come out we are kicked out of our houses, beaten up by everyone etc. Yes these things do happen often but aren't necessarily going to happen.
I dunno just my ideas/imput.
~~~Fear is only a verb if you let it be.. don't you dare let go of my hand~~~
Hmm...
I think there was possibly a list of things people might choose to write about for the GLM project, not sure though as I never had anything to do with that.
I have told people privately that this was something I had planned, but it's never been posted in this manner.
---
"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.
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Don't Panic!
Don't Panic, Sex is ok, don't be afraid, take a chance, take a leap, you are not ugly, explore, go to NYC.
can it have little pop out
can it have little pop out pages with nekkid' people?
Of course...
Three simple steps for that:
1) Purchase my book at your favorite independent bookstore.
2) Glue pages containing naked images into book.
3) Enjoy.
---
"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.
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a lot of questions need answering...
There's one big question I've wrestled with since I started to believe I was lesbian: now what? I think it could be a sort of umbrella question for a lot of other things, such as: What do I do about that girl I like? Might I, somehow or other, be mistaken and turn out to be straight later? How sure should I be before I tell anyone? How does one go about "coming out," anyway? Why do all these terms -- "gay," "lesbian," "queer" -- seem so odd? Will I actually be able to find a girlfriend (if there are fewer gay people than straight and I don't really know how to find the gays)? Are all my friends straight? (Answer for me on that last one: no. One friend told me, when I came out to her, that she's questioning her sexuality as well. She was one of the first people I told, so it helped a LOT for me to hear.)
By the way, reading the Oasis forums is far more helpful in my confusion than the info I've found on the sites for GLSEN and PFLAG. Thank you.
OK, here's my current outline...
Just started working on this last week, and here's the outline I'm using. Look like I'm missing anything? Does this seem like a good order?
I want them to be somewhat broad and inclusive letter topics.
- I think I'm...
- labels/identity
- gender
- stereotypes
- religion
- straight crushes
- fitting in (sports, school groups, etc.)
- dating
- coming out
- sex and safety (sex/fetish, monogamy, and marriage)
- gay pride
- politics (courts)
- community
---
"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.
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coming from the jock....
Sports. Thats the biggest thing for me right now. How to deal with being on a team. etc...
Cool...
I added it to the list. We'll see if I can fill a letter up on that topic, expanded it to "fitting in" to give me more wiggle room, heh.
---
"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.
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disability
queer and disability absured i know BUT needed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hmm...
That may have to be your book. Way outside my experience level.
For me, there is no intersection. Coming out, and coming out if you're in a wheelchair... no difference. Where the nuance kicks in, I'm not aware and I wouldn't be the person to best write about it.
---
"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.
Add me on MySpace!
book subjects
It feels like sexual identity, gender identity and personal identity are all kind of mashed together, which is especially confusing as a youth... especially when you have the illusion that you already know what "gay" is, what "lesbian" is, who transgendered people are, etc. Us queer writers *desperately* need to deconstruct these labels and break down the stereotypes and preconceived notions.
My questions changed as my identity unfolded, but the process would have been much simpler if I had realized the fallacious assumptions that a lot of my questions were based on. The logical progression for me was:
1. "I don't act gay, therefore I must be straight."
2. "If I'm straight, then I can't act feminine now or people will think I'm gay.
3. "Maybe I am interested in guys."
4. "If I'm interested in guys sometimes as well as girls, I guess that makes me bisexual."
5. "If I'm bi, then that justifies why I feel feminine, so now I can act as girlie as I want!"
6. "Maybe I'm more interested in girls than I am in guys...maybe I'm not bisexual."
7. "I guess I can't act girlie anymore and I have to attract a straight girl."
8. "If I've always been jealous of the female body... does that mean I'm transgender? even...a transexual?"
9. "Does that mean I have to transition now?"
10. "I guess it's my gender dysphoria that's making me feel body dysmorphic...or is it other way around?"
11. "If I'm neither male NOR female...where do I go from here?"
You see what I mean? Sometimes there's more than one closet to come out of. Sometimes you come out of the closet, only to find yourself in a different ROOM than you were in when you entered the closet.
Please note in your book that we can't remain attached to our identities as man or womyn, butch or femme, straight or ________.
Labels must never supersede the complexity of our actual experiences, and it's OKAY to dress in suits or skirts, to kiss conservative gentleman or genderqueer anarchists, to be top or bottom, s or m WHATEVER.
Hope that helped, please keep me updated.
Well...
My advice is to reject all labels and their baggage, so that's why I most likely won't spend as much time walking through all of this. If you don't cling to being gay, you won't have to freak out if you question being bi, and why you wouldn't need to question the attached stereotypes of gay meaning feminine or anything else.
So, yeah, if you cling to labels and their baggage, you're already off in the wrong direction.
For the later gender-related questions, I think that plays into the same label issue, for you will always be constricted if you're rigidly defining your identity in any way. Beyond that, though, I think a lot of "gender" talk is similar to OCD and a waste of time. If you see the world as a constant need to question your gender, it's just a clustering illusion and not reality.
So, yeah, I reject all labels, but I also reject a lot of gender activist talking points, too. Transgender is fine, but all this "I don't identify as a woman" stuff? Life's too short.
---
"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.
Add me on MySpace!
Right...
"So, yeah, if you cling to labels and their baggage, you're already off in the wrong direction."
I think people should question labels, but it's almost impossible to reject labels completely. I was just saying that in your book, you should recognize that when people are first beginning to understand their sexuality and gender, they very often DO cling to labels.
If people can't relate to Jane Doe because she's likes girls, then she's probably going to try to find other "lesbians", taking refuge in that label in the hopes of finding companionship. Jane may even try to fit in better in the "lesbian" scene by taking on all the stereotypes of how lesbians should act and dress.
That may satisfy Jane for a while. But if she gets to the point where she realizes thats not who she really is, it will take a lot of questions for her to deconstruct that persona she's built up. Maybe she's find out that inside, she's not female at all.
And if you respond to her in your book by saying "'gender' talk is similar to OCD and a waste of time," she's going to feel insulted. Why she (or anyone else) read your book if the best advice you have for gender dysphorics is "get over it"?
If you're going to reject something, replace it.
_____________________________________________
"We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!"
---Douglas Adams, A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Well...
I'm trying to head things off on the pass, make people question labels earlier and earlier. I think Jane can go to lesbian hangouts and other such things without also buying into the self-identification with that label that is unnecessary.
Well, this is a book filled with my opinions and zero research, save for running this site for 13 years, which is said loud and clear in the introduction. There will be no footnotes, no endnotes, no backing points.
Yes, if I said that one line, or any of the lines above, without them being huge explored pieces that would be a waste of time. I've read Kate Bornstein "Gender Outlaw" and other things that have formed my OCD/Gender is a Clustering Illusion opinion. If you watch Jim Carrey in "The Number 23," it's not far off from how gender activists see gender in society.
But, you might want to wait to debate the book when there is a book, though. Or not buy it. Either way. (Then again, my opinion isn't really debatable; you can only have a differing one) Or, you can take the feminists vs. Camille Paglia path, which is to not read her AND have a strong opinion about her work that is largely projection. :-)
My guess is this book would be for Jane when she is in the closet through starting to come out. When she is fully deconstructing the lesbian identity and becoming gender dysphoric, she'll need a different book.
---
"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.
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congrats
awsome book Jeff I cant wait to read it, as for what you asked I cant answer that. Maybe this was already said-I really dont have time to read every comment-but what about breaking down lables. Thats my biggest issues, like what exactly is a transexual and whats the difference from that to a transgender. It could be done in simple easy to understand txtbook form.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Come Josephine in my flying machine
Going up she goes up she goes
Balance yourself like a bird on a beam
In the air she goes there she goes
Up, up, a little bit higher
Oh, my, the moon is on fire
Good-by
Well...
There are gender-specific books that cover a lot of that stuff in detail. I'm really focused on the bigger pieces of the pie, largely gay/bi/lesbian youth. Trans stuff is largely outside of my experience, and also a minority within a minority, and I think someone trans should write the ultimate trans youth book, not me.
I am very trans-inclusive in what I am writing, though. But with the "Letters" conceit, it has to read like I'm addressing the reader whether they are gay, lesbian, bi or trans, so that's already challenge enough.
---
"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.
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well idk if this really fits
well idk if this really fits what your trying to get at, but it has always been a problem (and still is) for me.
trying to figure out, once you are gay and out, where it is that you would go to meet people. how do you meet other gays in the midst of an overwhelmingly straight high school for instance, where do you hook up with people?
Never be afraid to stand up for whats right. If you lose your values, you've lost yourself, so dont let someone change you into someone you arnt. Don't be afraid of the punishment, Rejoyce in the freedom that let to it.
Hmm...
Will probably touch on this across a few topics.
I think the problem is that meeting people isn't really related to sexuality. At a gay bar/GSA, you get a roomful of possible people to date, but your only common link is sexuality. So, you increase the percentages, but mainly by having the least important thing in common with them.
So, the best thing is to be totally out, and just pursuing the hobbies and activities that interest you, because then when you find someone else gay, or they find you (which is why you have to be out), then you're more likely to have traction with them.
So, be out on Facebook, and make sure everyone knows, and then make it just part of the mix and not a major component of your identity. I never do understand why people wish someone else at their school would also be gay, because the odds of you two getting along because you're both gay is pretty low. Sure, in a repressive high school setting, you'll help each other get through it, but that's more about your similar reaction to environment than being connected to them as a person.
I mean, I often go to gay bars, but I don't drink, am not usually up late enough to go regularly and often dislike the music there. So, I'm surrounded by gay people, but the odds are good that they drink, stay up late and enjoy the music. So, finding people isn't the issue, but finding the right ones.
---
"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.
Add me on MySpace!
Location
I think you should put something in there about gays and where they live. How it seems like in the US the only major gay areas are in the West or East coast. What about the midwest? Also, how the area they live in can affect their access to gay things/places. Thats a problem that I have and I'm sure other kids that live in the Midwest have.
Well...
I see it as more of a book to get people more comfortable with themselves, and their own issues and stuff. There is less of an issue getting good with yourself if you don't have resources, you just have to work a bit harder and with less support.
---
"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.
Add me on MySpace!
Maybe something about
Maybe something about Transpeople????
There isn't a lot of stuff out there in the way of literature for Transmen, let alone trannys in general. (Inkblot and myself have already had a discussion about the movie "Boys Don't Cry" with Hilary Swank, and how it is usually the first thing transpeople get their hands on and it is terrifying and it scares them back into the closet.)
well...
Like I said to wheels about the need for a queer disabled book, there may be a need, but I'm not the best person to write that book.
There are a lot of trans-positive books out there, but you will never be able to compete on a level with popular media, where trans issues are always going to be sensationalized. So, Boys Don't Cry will always reach more people than the most popular trans book.
I am being cautious to be trans-inclusive in the book (aside from my thoughts on gender which I think are true, but not quite party line). And I think the book aims to show the commonalities and similarities of experience, and how the same strategies will make people feel more whole and better about themselves. To that end, it's probably just as useful for a non-gay reader. Sort of like how a book like Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth can speak about spirituality and religion in a way that makes sane people see the common ties between different faith and belief, but not in a way that makes them challenge or change their own beliefs, only strengthen them.
So the more I make it more trans or anything, the less universal it is and, for me, the more off-message, if that makes sense.
---
"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.
Add me on MySpace!
Isolation was a biggie for
Isolation was a biggie for me. I was the only gay kid I knew when I came out, and I didn't feel like anyone knew what I was going through. I didn't feel comfortable at all talking with my straight friends about the subject, so I didn't. I think kids need to be warned that coming out is only part of the process; the bigger challenge is the slow and steady day-to-day life of being a GLBT teen. You won't always have support, so you either come to sites like Oasis or you just deal. Then pray that time speeds up a bit so you can get to college already.
They also need to know that along with not having gay friends, they probably won't have boyfriends or girlfriends, either...only Oasis won't solve that, so the only option left is dealing; as I've come so regretfully to know!
“Never forget! The higher we soar, the smaller we appear to those who cannot fly.”
-Friedrich Nietzsche
Yeah...
As people come out earlier and earlier, waiting for college/bars to be able to express yourself and find community is become a less agreeable answer. I mean, we have kids on the site who are 11 or 12... so... that's completely unsatisfactory.
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"Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment." - Rumi
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