Well guys I guess, in my way, I have finally come out.
I've been sure to tell everyone I do tell that I am not completely 100% sure that I am, because it's never been officially tested, but I've told at least three people since Sunday.
The weird part is that I feel no liberation. I don't feel like I've acquired some previous unknown freedom. I just feel kind of BLAH about it all. Like I've been questioning myself. Why did I need to tell the people what I told? I feel kinda like it was all pointless. I guess I don't know full well what I’ve done yet. That's the negative though. Let's get some positive in!
I tried telling my closest friend first. It was weird. He was in an iffy mood that day and I couldn't tell if it was because of everything I was saying or because of things he himself stumbled upon. We went for a long drive, just talking and driving until he decided to visit his grandpa's grave. It was getting dark and was starting to rain but we only drove half way through the cemetery and walked the rest of the way anyway.
The whole time I went around the subject of what I wanted to tell him but he never asked me what I really meant and seemed dismissive about everything I said, his head seemed clouded like the sky. I eventually gave up because of this, and because he started confiding in me other problems he is currently experiencing. He was so sincere that night. It's the best night I've had with him in a long time.
Before we went to bed he asked me if there was anything else I wanted to talk about. I said that I felt I had already said what I needed to say, but double checked to see if he remembered any of it. I ended up explaining to him again, in a confusing way, what I had said earlier. I mean COME ON it’s so hard to say one’s gay without actually saying it, so you gotta give me a little credit.
I don’t know how well I reached him, but when I finally gave up again I asked him if he at least had some kind of idea as to what I’m talking about. He said that he did. I said that that is all I wanted to know. Then he said something I unfortunately didn’t know how to respond to. He said, but I don’t want to know. So I didn’t tell him. He’s my best friend and I love him dearly. I don’t want to sacrifice something I care most about because I think I need to come out. Besides, unless his idea is completely wrong, he already knows anyways he just doesn’t want or know how to handle it. So technically he knows and must be accepting of it in some way because honestly, were still friends.
I still remember what he said the next morning he woke up. He had slept in my bed with all his clothes on. I don’t know why he didn’t bring some night clothes but he didn’t. He sat up and said, sleeping with jeans on sucks man, my balls feel like they’re bruised. I must have done something right with whatever I did the night before because I doubt my friend would so willingly confess the condition of his balls if I hadn’t. Let me know if I’m wrong.
Anyways, that’s number 1 if you count it. #2 was this girl I kinda know and felt secure telling. She was a test subject, someone I could lose without a great amount of pain. But she was accepting of me so she only helped. #3 was my second closest friend and I must say it was a lot easier telling him. He didn’t give me a big hug and say I still accept you or anything but there was no difference in our friendship after I told him and for that I am grateful. I didn’t want something from him just because I told him. I told one other person but I told them because I felt like it and I knew they would be fine with me anyways, and they were.
I guess you could say so far I’ve had it easy. I still don’t quite understand why exactly I feel so let down by my coming out. It’s like there’s nothing to it and I’ve found it kinda pointless, I don’t know where it’s taken me.
Thanks for reading guys.