Hey everyone at Oasis!
I haven't written anything in a while sense my kind of break down a few weeks ago, and i thank you all for your kind words.

Honestly not much as happened since then, I started to see a consular which is good i guess. It took me a long time to actually see someone, because I have this idea that I'm really messed up but its very subtle so I wouldn't even know where to start. The sessions are ok, I think i am at least benefitting a little from them. Though I've never been one to completely open up and I'm sure it's going to take more than the 10 free ones they give out, but I guess its a start

As for anyone I'm interested in, yes there's a girl. She's straight (of course) but fine arts major so perhaps there's something there (I'm not holding my breath, and I'm no quite sure if I want to go for lunch with her, like she suggested). I know that if I wanted too if could totally just cut things off but I mean you never know. And i feel like if I get over this stupid crush we really could be good friends.

I'm just so tired of being attracted to people who are straight. I'm done being upset by this and I hate bitching to me friends about it, its just so wearisome.

Is it bad that lesbians just don't appeal to me. At first I though it was some intimacy issue and that I'm not gay at all, but I've fallen hard for girls, there's no way the emotions I felt could be from some twisted intimacy issue. And I'm just so attracted to girls, just straight girls I guess. I mean all the lesbians I know are so stereotypical or musical (not sure if that's a word or not) I'm trying to think if there's any actual lesbian I'm attracted too -- granted I know like 3). The whole thing is rather weird, and if I had a masochistic side, that's where it would come in.
But I think I'm at least improving because I did come out to said girl so at least that's out in the open and I don't have to worry about it.

On another note today I was kind of feeling depressed. It was overcast out, just not a nice day. And so I'm walking to meet a few friends for dinner and I'm just thinking how shitty it is I fall for straight girls blah blah blah. And then three things happened right after another that really made my day. First there's this homeless guy that I pass most days on my way to school. And he's so cute, he always in a good mood and asks everyone passing by how they are doing. Today he waved at me and I just had to smile. Then right after this I passed another homeless person (err that's nyc for you) and there was this man giving her money and I never see anyone giving her money. And third right after the homeless girl a man walked by with a huge crate of flowers. They just renewed my faith in humans if only for a little bit