Ok, so I feel kinda bad.
As I’ve mentioned before things feel different now that I’ve come out to a few of the people I care most about. I don’t know what to feel anymore. I was talking with this girl I told, telling her that I need to find a new life goal, and she said that I should just find one. I mean, it’s a go figure just do it kind of situation. I don’t find it that simple though.
Thinking about guys and what I want to do with them, the very nature of my gay side has been something years and years in the making. Naturally I’ve had plenty of time to think about things but what my ultimate goal apparently was wasn’t something that I decided on in the blink of an eye, with a sheer mental jolt. Coming out was a goal that formed itself within my mind over a long period of time because I’ve never been completely sure of how gay I am. It’s just easier for me to identify myself as gay.
I feel bad because I don’t know what my life goal is anymore. I feel like I’m wondering around without a purpose and that’s really a worthless thing to do. I mean, we seem to thrive on our ability to keep ourselves busy, preoccupied, or something along those lines so why would we not want to be? I guess I could say that my next life goal is to finish college but even that seems so trivial. Think about it, the vast majority of the world’s life goal is to finish their schooling and get a job so they can support themselves. There’s gotta be more. I’m gay so I don’t see how it could be easy for me to get all religious but I suppose that is an option, but then anyone could have that option as well so where does that leave me standing?
I came out to my best friend and he still likes me for who I am, he still treats me normal, and nothing has changed between us, I just don’t know what more I could ask for right now. I need a car but that wouldn’t make me happier, it would just be a convenience for my life. What DO I need? I feel desperate for the answer. I feel hollow without it. I don’t care how cliché it sounds.
I also feel bad because I just bought a 320 GB external hard drive that I don’t need at all in any way… I just wanted it. I forked over 130 dollars for the thing and I’m probably just going to go back and return it. What a waste eh?
I also feel bad because I’ve got no one to talk to right now. All I have is what I’m typing right now. I feel alone at the moment. That’s never a pleasant feeling. I guess I’ll just finish this up and once again hope for a response that I probably won’t get.
Let me end with one final question. Please, SOMEONE answer. What did you feel like when you came out? Even if you haven’t come out yet, what do you imagine you will feel like? Can anyone relate to my feelings on it?