Afterthoughts...
Ok, so I feel kinda bad.
As I’ve mentioned before things feel different now that I’ve come out to a few of the people I care most about. I don’t know what to feel anymore. I was talking with this girl I told, telling her that I need to find a new life goal, and she said that I should just find one. I mean, it’s a go figure just do it kind of situation. I don’t find it that simple though.
Thinking about guys and what I want to do with them, the very nature of my gay side has been something years and years in the making. Naturally I’ve had plenty of time to think about things but what my ultimate goal apparently was wasn’t something that I decided on in the blink of an eye, with a sheer mental jolt. Coming out was a goal that formed itself within my mind over a long period of time because I’ve never been completely sure of how gay I am. It’s just easier for me to identify myself as gay.
I feel bad because I don’t know what my life goal is anymore. I feel like I’m wondering around without a purpose and that’s really a worthless thing to do. I mean, we seem to thrive on our ability to keep ourselves busy, preoccupied, or something along those lines so why would we not want to be? I guess I could say that my next life goal is to finish college but even that seems so trivial. Think about it, the vast majority of the world’s life goal is to finish their schooling and get a job so they can support themselves. There’s gotta be more. I’m gay so I don’t see how it could be easy for me to get all religious but I suppose that is an option, but then anyone could have that option as well so where does that leave me standing?
I came out to my best friend and he still likes me for who I am, he still treats me normal, and nothing has changed between us, I just don’t know what more I could ask for right now. I need a car but that wouldn’t make me happier, it would just be a convenience for my life. What DO I need? I feel desperate for the answer. I feel hollow without it. I don’t care how cliché it sounds.
I also feel bad because I just bought a 320 GB external hard drive that I don’t need at all in any way… I just wanted it. I forked over 130 dollars for the thing and I’m probably just going to go back and return it. What a waste eh?
I also feel bad because I’ve got no one to talk to right now. All I have is what I’m typing right now. I feel alone at the moment. That’s never a pleasant feeling. I guess I’ll just finish this up and once again hope for a response that I probably won’t get.
Let me end with one final question. Please, SOMEONE answer. What did you feel like when you came out? Even if you haven’t come out yet, what do you imagine you will feel like? Can anyone relate to my feelings on it?
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What did I feel? Relief.
What did I feel? Relief. Bubbling, giddy relief.
Sometimes, its a weapon, and I feel a sort of rush as the words hit their mark, and I see the shock.
But mostly just relief.
There are plenty of religions that welcome gays. You could find one of those.
Or find something harder as a goal. If it seems trivial, perhaps you need to challenge yourself. So when you've achieved that goal, you feel like you've accomplished something. You know?
Or maybe a longer-term goal. Or something vague, like "make the world better for future generations" so that whatever you do is helping, but there's always something you can do.
Did that make sense? I'm just spouting off ideas, so feel free to tell me to go to Hades any time.
I know it's hard to find a new goal after you've been working to accomplish one for years. Perhaps you can find a related goal? So you don't feel like you've wasted time?
You're not alone.
"She's a mystery
She's too much for me
But I keep coming back for more
She's just the girl I'm looking for"
-The Click Five "Just the Girl"
Hmm...
I don't see coming out as a goal unto itself, but sort of a necessary step for you to achieve other larger goals, so that might help illuminate the path better. You keep looking in different directions, but the ultimate path is still ahead of you on the same trajectory.
I mean, without truth and honesty, anyone but a lawyer or politician would sort of be stuck and unable to move forward.
---
"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.
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What did I feel?
Well I've only come-out to a few close friends.I did feel relief when I told them,but I also still felt a little bit sad and anti-climatic.Not because I wanted coming-out to be a huge drama or anything,but because once I'd come-out I didn't really know what to do next.I spent so long obsessing about coming-out,so much so that it sort of served as a distraction from actually dealing with what being gay meant for me and my life.
I think I understand what you mean about feeling down now even though you have come-out.It's that feeling of ok what do I do now?
I think I sort of have that same feeling,but I think there is still a long way to go.Actually living my life openly and truthfully is the long-term goal for me at the moment.I'm trying to work that into every aspect of my life,because being gay is a part of every aspect of my life because it is part of who I am.
I'm not sure I have explained my point very well here.I had trouble articulating what I am trying to say.But basically I think even though you have come-out to your friend there is still a lot of things you have to do and reach for.It sounds in your post that you are a little bored of everything you have going on right now,so why not try something,anything new and work from there.
I wish you look,and hey if you ever want to chat I'm always around here=]
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent-Eleanor Roosevelt
thanks...
It means a lot to me that you guys are posting responses to my entries. I feel kinda bad because I haven't done the same myself. Over all I wanted to thank you though.