Since my last entry I think I feel better.
I think.
I've noticed that I have gained weight. I look almost average.

I forgot to mention that before my last entry I ran into the bathroom with a pair of scissors and cut away at my hair. I hated having to pay so much attention to my hair and my face and my body, so that was my way of saying, "Fuck it, I don't care anymore."

So, I have short hair now. I actually cut it pretty well, which made me laugh.
I'm not all happy though. I really wish I was. In math today I was trying as hard as possible not to lose my mind. I was looking at the people around me, particularly this one girl. I don't want to talk about how much I've suffered internally thanks to her. Maybe it's just me, at this point I don't want to know. This girl is the kind of self-absorbed person I seem to be attracted to, because this is indeed a pattern. In fact, I've had two girls I know do this same thing to me. At the same time.

Part One.
Niko meets person. Person is totally unique and fearless, which Niko admires.

Part Two.
The person reveals themselves to be into some shady things. Niko, instead of using his common sense and rejecting them, thinks them even cooler. Niko feels bad about himself for not "being cool like them" and being already well-established in said shady things.

Part Three.
Person is never constant. Some times they are best friends with Niko and other times they ignore him. Niko craves their attention and is crushed when they find one of his jokes not funny or hardly talks to them.

Part Four.
This continues. Niko just wants to crawl into a corner and die.

Part Five.
EPIPHANY. Niko realizes that person is a self absorbed stoner. It's painful at first because he cares so much about them, but the ever-increasing evidence of their ego and rudeness makes it clear.

Part Six.
Niko is released.

Except, with Part Six, today I had a bit of a relapse. I smiled at one of said girls. I feel bad about avoiding her. But I let it go too far, I think. I smiled at her again and then tried talking to her. I mentioned something about the math homework and how I'd written something correctly but the teacher had marked me wrong.
"You probably did the math wrong."
"No, that wasn't it."
"Yeah, okay... whatever."

This person thinks no better of me than they ever have. I throw myself out there to have them shoot me down. I can't stand it. As soon as I could I left the classroom and stayed out for the rest of the period. I don't know how I can survive it anymore. I wanted to die.

And I'm what, 15?
This is hugely unsatisfactory.
This had better not continue, or
I demand a refund.

ALSO
stoner boy's mom saw my mom jogging (hahaha!)
she was talking about how badly he is doing in school. Like, really badly.
"Oh, he never has any homework."
Really? That's funny. I guess I must just get different assignments even though he's in nearly all my classes. I know he doesn't do it at school.

My mom says stoner boy's mom has NO IDEA why he suddenly isn't doing well. Like, none at all. This boy was seriously smart in middle school, no joke.

The thing is, should I tell my principal or someone else about it?
I mean, the last definite proof I have of him doing drugs was back in I think October, when Person was talking to him on AIM. He didn't know I was there. He talked about what he had been smoking, and that he might start dealing.

How do I know he hasn't stopped since then? How do I figure it out?
Help.