"i want my bracelet back."

my best friend that had been my best friend
for almost 4 years.
all of this,
over,
because of heroin and a boy.
she is fucking up her life so badly, and when i tell her that
she screams at me, that i don 't
*care*
about her.
BULLSHIT.
it 's disgusting.
i still love her, will always love her, will always care.
that 's why i 'm still going to keep on bugging her
and messaging her.
we had a huge screaming fight last night.
it was scary as fuck,
i shook so much
it took all my control not to lash out with violence.

since when do i have anger management problems?

and this morning. . .
it was a friendship bracelet, and i think
for me
that that stung more than anything else.
it felt like a slap in the face offered by desperation.

gabi, why do you do this?

it 's the sickest feeling in the world,
to not have you.
no matter how much you were making me turn cold with fear
at least i still got a reaction out of you.
at least you became furious and let the dam down,
screamed and cried and yelled.

on the other hand,
that boy.
it was strange but in that moment afterwards
when she stormed out of the room, i wished and was overcome by a huge wave of longing for him to just hold me. i wanted to suction off comfort and warmth and love from him. more than anything.

i wish if i were as beautiful as a radiohead song.