Okay, so it's 2:41 am. Last night I stayed up partying with my absolute bestest guy friend E, and I got shit to do tomorrow, so I really should be getting some shut eye, but nope! Here I am folks - I'm a fucking insomniac.

I've actually been meaning to write in here for quite some time now, but words are starting to feel a little mundane. Before, they helped me live, make sense of life, but now they're just a pale immitation, an attempt to explain the unexplainable. They don't do it justice.
What is 'it,' you ask?
Falling...
falling....
falling....
in a million discombobulated pieces, swirling down, in circles, spirals, hell, even up! And falling up doesn't even make sense! But nor does anything these days. And God, this ins't like the romances with straight girls I'm used to having in my imagination. It's oh so very, very, very real. Real is akward, messy, complicated, full of insecurities, fear, but wow! The intensity! The rush! The inexplicable bursts of joy! Real isn't airbrushed complexions and perfectly syncopated conversations. It's sitting in a coffee shop New Years day, slightly hungover, wearing khaki pants, hiking boots, and no makeup, staring across a tiny table at someone in a similar state as you, trying to sort out the meaning, significance of feelings that can't be sorted out because they come on like the wind before a thunderstorm, toss you around, make you realize that sometimes control over your life is only an illusion.

"I like you," I tell her. "I just wanted you to know that, if you didn't already know. I wanted to mention it before, but yeah..." and I stare into her blue, blue eyes, smile, stare at the table, the floor. She's staring at me too - asking, wanting with her eyes, but fidgeting with her body.

Fuck, I'm such a mess, so nervous. "I've...uh...never actually been in a serious relationship, I'm totally inexperienced, I don't really know what to do..." God, listen to me go. Shut up already and have a normal conversation.
Her gaze is powerful, her sky blue eyes calm. "It's okay," she reassures me, and I can tell she really means it.

But then things get awkward again.
She's not doing much better at this talking thing than I am. Both of us have been reduced to blushing, giggling junior high kids.

All of a sudden a happy, confident lesbian couple walks through the doors and sits down at the table right beside us. They're about twenty years older than we are, and they actually talk to one another, while our 'conversation' consists of awkward giggles and stares. We look at them. We look at us, and all of a sudden it's just all so fucking hilarious, and we're doubled over in fits of uncontrollable laughter.

I'm getting so tired writing this. I am seriously sleep deprived, but I can't stop. There's more I need to say.

Sometimes it just takes lying on a bed together for true feelings to be revealed. Crushing on her was painful because before that night we didn't even hug. Hanging out with her, I would feel this heaviness trying to burtst out of my chest. All I wanted was to reach out and touch her! God she's so touchable!

And then that night - our arms around eachother, her rolling on top of me, really craving someone's body for the first time, her cheek on mine, unable to separate my body from hers the entire night. No kissing, no sex, just bodies touching, and honesty. Because she told me how wonderful I am, how attracted to me she is, how scared she is. Like today, I couldn't really say much, but how I clung to her! How she clung to me in her hot basement bedroom, the darkness pressing in against us, making us braver than we usually are.

She's the queer chick I mentioned in my previous entries, the one I didn't think liked me in that way.

Guess she does. And I like her! Woah!

She's so cool compared to me. She plays guitar, has been in a band, been high, smoked, has more 'grown up friends,' has a sexy tattoo. And she's had relationships. Granted, only with guys, but she's into them too.
Me, I'm this naive, innocent, lesbian nerd!

I don't know if I'm ready for this, but fuck, I want her!

And I definitely won't be ready for anything if I keep up this pattern of not sleeping. So I will try and get some rest, but I'm such a bundle of nerves I don't know if I'll be able to!