Alright, so I haven't written an entry on here in a while, since before the holiday break most likely actually!
For those of you who recall my brown-haired blue-eyed boy oh boy of a Lovelyboy who's in Rome and headed back real soon, well, he didn't forsake me. Haha!
He returned to Canada for the holiday break (I always want to type Christmas break, but power to the politically correct.), and stayed until a few days into the New Year.
And we went to the movies.
Unfortunately, it wasn't as filmstrip magical as you might hope! Or in some cases, *not* hope, but I don't blame you for that. Mmm, Lovelyboy!
Anyway, I will journey back in time to the lateness of December for you! He had already told me he would be coming back over here for the break and we were both fine with not seeing each other for Christmas itself and both just hoping to at least get together once, which was precisely what happened, a few days after Christmas.
Luckily, he had his cover all set - that being his friends wanted to see him - and I made up something about volunteering, which my family ate up. Incidentally, we had lots of homophobic extended family over from elsewhere and it was fuuuuuun. My mom didn't even have time to go into angst over my being gay (as a fact, she has flown away for two weeks again, beginning 2 days ago.) and I was fine to slip away, and my dad was glad to be able to hype up my extracurricular amazingness. Haha!
Sooooo, we coordinated for a bite to eat followed by a movie followed by coffee after, and it started off so perfectly and when I saw him inside this coffee shop I about wanted to drop dead and lunge for him and strip him naked all at once! That's a really good summation of how I felt, yipppee. And then he saw me and smiled and it was all fireworks and we actually hustled towards each other and I felt so moronic again but then we literally threw our arms around each other - not as if we'd been 10 years apart, but still somewhat dramatically - and laughed and then we sat down.
It was really neat for me, because I haven't hugged a male, non-relation in public in probably over 7 years! So doing it then made me feel liberated to a degree, and made me yearn for university some more (7 months to go!). I probably said this before, but to reiterate for your eyebeams, Lovelyboy isn't out in his city, and I'm out to under 5 people. The first part of that is a bit misleading as I learned that fateful afternoon though, as Lovelyboy let me in on the fact that all of his female friends do know... but apparently he doesn't have many female friends, and he has no male friends aside from work acquaintances and forced-friends via parents, who he doesn't like at all.
In my case, I'm friendly with everyone in my grade for the most part, and I have lots of closer female friends, and I feel closer with the guys in my grade than I have in 3 years probably, but I don't have any really close or meaningful friends, except for the one girl I came out to... but we're actually drifting apart a bit, and she somehow slipped into the habit of stupidly gay wording ala "That's so gay!" But more on that another time!
So we ordered our respective items, Lovelyboy had started up on a frappocino-gingerbread affair, and I wanted to lick the foam off of his lips before he did each and every time, and then I told him that later and he kissed me. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Ok, getting far ahead. Well, we just sat and talked and kept beaming at each other for about 45 minutes in the coffee shop, and my hot chocolate was terrible, and he tried it and agreed and we kept joking about all these things to do to the service or to ruin the shop (which had a very nice, festive interior that wasn't tacky - seriously!). It wasn't very crowded either, so we talked some about being gay and I got to ask him about his home life some more, which we honestly hadn't really discussed before (mine or his).
I was so ready to hug him and hold him and never let him go when he told me about how his family and school and stressors were like regularly, even though he was back right out of Rome and it was the holiday season, he sounded so glum and down talking about regular life that it made me almost HATE the moronic, stupid, insignificant people that add up to make his life a pain. It wasn't anything too serious, more a collection of things that added up to make high school very unfun, and one of those was his dropping out of sports (like me, although I wasn't extremely sporty to start with!) because of all the sideways homophobic comments, and sometimes direct ones.
He told me all about Rome, and about mini-Pope the anti-gay Catholic child from satan's womb, and we talked about where else in the world we both want to go and HAVE to go to again, and it was probably one of the top 5 conversations I've had in my whole life - as short as it is - and it made me glad and sad and amazingly thankful to have Lovelyboy right then and there.
Woooo, I feel a bit somber or non-hyped writing this, probably pensive over exams, hahaha! As I laugh myself into hysterics... :)
We saw I Am Legend (with Will Smith, it's about vampires taking over) and probably should've seen Sweeney Todd or The Bucket List or something *else*. Suffice to say, it was a baaaaaad movie to both of us, and to top it off, the place was crowded enough that we couldn't make out! I know! After all this, and no ability to make out! Alright, we could've, but his suburban city isn't anywhere near liberal, and we were idiotic enough to sit in the MIDDLE in the MIDDLE. No, I didn't rewind my mind, I mean we sat in the centre of the cinema's centre row. AHHHHHHH!
Still, first date ever, so it was worthwhile. And with a boy. So dually worthwhile! We didn't mind looking like two boys going to see an action movie either, and there were actually some threesomes and fivesomes of guys in the same threatre with us, and afterwards I asked him if he thought he saw any other gay couples in hiding and he just laughed. Exclamation point!
He looked better in some ways returning from Rome, I sort of liked his haircut more, but he probably got it the week before I saw him, so it might've looked especially coiffed! His skin looked rosier, his eyes looked a bit worn out, he seemed thinner, but I think we both clicked mentally more than ever and just had the perfect vibe of contentment throughout the evening.
Somewhat unfortunately, it wasn't a lusting vibe. The before coffee shop, movie and after coffee shop were lovely and amazing and ecstatic, but for the past few weeks I've just been thinking so much about where I want to go for university, and while I applied in the UK (and load on doubt for my acceptance chances, aside from 1), I feel like I'll be sticking to Canada, and for me that's culminated in going outside of Ontario for sure, to Montreal, Vancouver or Victoria (the V's are in British Columbia on the WEST coast, like California is, the M is to the east in Quebec, but land-locked and it actually has a winter)! The thing is deciding which way to head (yay for me feeling safe about being accepted to at least 1 option in each place) and determining how much my being gay is swaying each option.
Now, you may be asking: WHAT ABOUT LOVELYBOY?! Okay, okay! I'll get back to him in a bit... but if you meant *his* university prospects, he applied to several of the same schools as me, but is going to put more thought into it when he's accepted - he's incredibly Lovely in that foresight of not stressing himself early. And as ecstatic as everything was that night, and still is, and probably will be... my university choice will still highly likely lie in one of those predominantly urban centres. Well, Victoria isn't very urban, but it's a ferry ride (albeit an hour+ long one) away from Vancouver. Haha, ferries. Sounds like the place for me! If you didn't catch that, just breathe. Ferry - Fairy - Gay boi. Breathe.
So throttle me with some advice, Lovelyboy soothed my worries a bit with his advice, but he tried to tone everything down pretty clearly to wait until he gets word back and see if we could go somewhere *together*. Which I would LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE! But at the same time, still wondering how that would work, since up to now we've been in an idealic bubble. Maybe not idealic, with the homophobia and resistance to macking (that's making out/kissing for a prolonged period of time for anyone's reference), but still very far away from living together and not at the level of engaging in sex! So I'm hesitant to commit there - not that I wouldn't! - and would love any input on which city, Montreal or Vancouver, seems better and why.
Vancouver - universities with INCREDIBLY active GLBT groups, hundreds of extracurriculars for me to pick from, NO ice cold winters, extremely gay-friendly city and province, good amount of gay bars and gay-related activities for sure, biggest stretch of gay-oriented beach in the world (really! It's part of Wreck Beach... which is somewhat famous for another reason, which I hold no interest in, but still neat.), vibrant city, lots of food options, my step-sister and her family live there (my niece!), travel is easier due to weather and location of campus, my program would be excellent, Vancouver is over a day on train/drive to where I currently live
Montreal - less active but still presence of GLBT group at school, loads of extracurriculars, exceptionally gay-friendly province, Montreal has one of the biggest gay urban sectors in the world (and it's not just a gay ghetto), really vibrant nightlife and loads of gay bars, legally able to drink alcohol as soon as I get there (that could be a negative though), vibrant, European city (one of, if not the last in North America), great food options, my degree would be more prestigious, my program would be excellent, Montreal is under 6 hours by train/drive to where I currently live
There's negatives to both, but those are positives that jump out to me, the distance to home at the end may be a negative or positive, I probably would feel more liberated all the way in BC, but then my step-sister is only a few hours from Vancouver (then again, we're not that close, and we don't even see each other annually). It sounds so lame to me sometimes, but really the cold of Ontario is getting old (specifically the snow probably), despite the loveliness of winter clothing, and Quebec has way harsher winters. Vancouver is all sun, large amount of rain, but hardly any notable winter. Montreal's gay youth is more politically active, a bit less socially so though.
And back to my Lovelyboy date... after the movie, we walked out not holding hands because the popcorn scent got old, and the crowd behind and ahead of us was sort of discouraging, not anything obvious but just latent fear of being gay acting up, I suppose. And we didn't say this aloud at any point, but the vibe had us both knowing not to bother trying to cuddle in his city's theatre. And even if it didn't, I definitely wouldn't want to make his life difficult in ANY way, such as if some homophobic guy from his school saw us at the movies doing anything!
We went back to a different coffee shop though, and midway walking he put his arm around my waist and I then put mine around him and if it wasn't cold and we weren't so visible I would've turned into his arms and kissed him madly right there! We walked like that back to the new coffee shop, staying that way up until the door, we went in and ordered the SAME things, and switched them back and forth, haha.
After washrooming (separately, and I think it's of note, imagine popcorn scented hands yeesh! Although I see this as another perk of same-sex relationships... same washroom! Then again, could be awkward sometimes, haha.) we got to talking about the movie and a ton of everyday things and our hopes and plans and Rome again and my school life and it was a lot of fun. This new coffee shop was more crowded than the last, but it was actually evening-time, but I keep wondering HOW both places and the movies were filled up after just a few days after Christmas, but I suppose post-Christmas sale shopping, and the fact that it was a *city* coffee shop and movie theatre impacted that. It's a suburban city though, like mine, with under 300 000 people so hmm again!
We had our first couple of silent moments with each other, the first WAS a dash of awkwardness *Gasp!* but then we recovered, and I laughed and pointed out we almost had an awkward moment and he laughed so much and again I wanted to kiss him. And later that night as I lay in bed (I could've fallen asleep easily, but I stayed awake recounting it all and just thinking... which made me want to go on another date so badly, my Lovelyboy is an inspiration in every sense of the word.) I thought about how heinous it is that two well-off, good-looking (in his case, awesome-looking with a side of adorableness), intelligent gay teens can't feel safe about kissing in a Canadian store of any sort in one of our own hometowns! It really was and is ridiculous, I haven't said that to him, he probably thought it up too (did I mention our minds are one?), but it's still so nuts and sad and maddening! At least in some way though, it spurs us closer together! Well, not really, but in the end it probably will have!
We talked about fashion and I was so glad to be right about him being a fashion boy from tidbits of things on the phone (and he was dressed impeccably Lovely, haha!), and about watches and global politics and sad things and inventions and books and movies and what we HAVE to do on our next date (he actually called it that, and I felt this absolutely sincere, wonderful, light blush-heat crawl up my neck) and it was phenomenal and THAT whole conversation probably ranked as #4 in my whole life, even with the couple of near-awkward moments (and even those were MINIMAL, not like 3-25 seconds with forsaken straight people!)!
I'm sighing thinking about that date and him, and how the hot chocolate at the second place was way better, and we laughed it up, and on the way out as we walked back to the first coffee shop (joint idea for multiple reasons) arm over arm at the small of each other's back, once we got out of eyesight and were at this deserted little intersection without a mechanical, robotic Safe to Walk, Hand Stop symbol thing (you know what I mean), I was going to, but then he did it first - he moved his arm up and I turned to face him and we looked into each other's eyes for a second and didn't smile but had contented expressions and then we just kissed and it was fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking phenomenal! And we stood there kissing for a few seconds and his arms pulled me closer and I pulled him closer and he definitely wanted to put his hands all over my head and hair but he had mitts on, and I would've done the same, but I was busy clinging to his back muscles which I could practically feel through his tweed coat and it was great and then we stopped and gulped in breath and smiled and he leaned his head down against my shoulder and I wrapped my hands around his head and kissed the top of his head which was covered in a nice beanie/toque (he offered it to me before we left but I said no, my dashing gentleman though!) and the lack of real ending to this giant sentence is expressing my mood then so well, and he pecked the side of my neck and it sent thrills up me it was so good, and then we kissed again on that sidewalk intersection and a car had actually driven past and then we stopped and I hugged him and he hugged me back so tightly and I was thinking how much I never ever wanted to let him go and it felt so good and I want it now so much and oh I hope every one of you feels that if you haven't already, even though you probably have (and this'll sound TERRIBLE, but for the sake of further relating it, it was sort of like the feeling you might get after your mother or father returns or is about to leave from/for a long time and you hug them and feel *so* glad and happy and somewhat sad still) and then we linked arms and started walking and he sort of leaned his head toward me as if to place it on my shoulder, but it didn't quite work and I laughed and he laughed and then we unlinked arms and he put his around my waist and I put mine around his back and tucked my hand beneath his right arm and we must've looked picturesque from the back (our outfits would've matched just fine) and it was beautiful!
Reminds me of this song over here: http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=-t6iNXgvRXU I would embed it but it was Disabled By Request hahaha. The video suits it all too, and the white man with brown hair *sort* of bleeeeearily reminds me of Lovelyboy, but Lovelyboy is slimmer, younger (duh), his hair is shorter and not so messy-styled, Lovelyboy is waaaaaay cuter, pearless blue eyes, aaaand a lot more personality! And other stuff. But check out that song!
And then we neared the other coffee shop and I had to unlink from him, since it was a family member picking me up, and he knew that and pouted and I pouted back and we laughed, and then I called the pick-up and they were a few minutes away and I sighed and I went for it (even though I didn't really) and turned to Lovelyboy in the more public parking lot area and kissed him full on and held his head between my covered hands and his covered hands went under my arms and up and down my back and it didn't last that long but it felt thrilling and more illicit because we both didn't want my pick-up to see any of this and mmm!
We actually said our good-byes then as we approached the previous coffee shop, since being the logical boys we are, we didn't want to just be seen with one another by my pick-up, and he didn't say it but I know he must've been worried on some level about being seen with me and being further branded as gay by any bad person, so :( .
It was ok though, it was sad, it feels worse now since he's back in Rome finishing up and I again question how often a night like that would happen (it seems like it could happen every other night, but reality says it might not even happen once a month). So we said our good-byes and squeezed each other's hands (covered, haha, in a sad way again) before it was done and then we were behind a couple of cars in the lot right next to the coffee shop and he looked around and I looked around and I wouldn't have cared if my parents had been watching then (but eww nonetheless) and he kissed me on the cheek and then the upper side of my neck and I kissed him and we kissed lip-style again for a few seconds, and then I told him I couldn't wait to see him again and he told me the same and we both basically sighed and I squeezed his hand, and then a car drove into the lot LMAO and we we both practically jumped out of our skins! Haha, no, it wasn't my ride, but we were standing right next to a CAR and pretty deliberately trying not to be seen for a few seconds, having our intimate moment, and Whamo!, headlights appear and illuminate us and it's headed down the lane about 6 feet across from us!
So that was kind of scary, immensely funny too and we both had to laugh and then I thanked him and he thanked me and I would've made out with him for the next 24 hours I swear to god (whom I don't believe in, YAY! If someone has a good expression that still sounds as good as "I swear to god", let me know) but we both knew it was date-over time, and thankfully we did get in lots of kissing (well, not THAT much, but at least a minute all-told, and it was all passionate, mmmmmmmmmmm)!
So he walked ahead and was actually going to meet a female friend who worked at a store not far away from the shop and get a ride home from her, and I went after a minute or two and stood in front of the coffee shop to wait for my ride, which came about 6 minutes later (which was ludicrous since over 6 minutes before when I called, they said they were just a FEW minutes away, but took 12+ minutes to get there, woo hoo, I know to be grateful for transportation, but timing is so nuts sometimes ahhh, I'm probably a bit more bitter because Lovelyboy and I could've actually made out for 5+ minutes or something, or I could've got him something in the coffee shop grr) and took me back home from my magical evening.
Yummmy. So Lovelyboy is done in Rome next week and on his way back and we really will have to see what happens. I followed through with some of his indispensable advice and am trying not to stress over his coming back/what we're going to do for the next many months when we're both on the same continent again!
It was a really terrific evening and I am so lucky to have had it, and have had it with him, but I would love some advice on any front from you, my dear person reading this, because in 7 months I will probably pick one part of Canada to go to for 3-4 years of schooling and even with the bliss of Lovelyboy and I, I know to keep in mind my gay options for post-secondary school, haha. Actually, that probably is a byproduct of that semi-fear I described above, with us not wanting to be publicly gay. As in, I internally know how much stock to place in this incredible relationship. As in, I understand that we may NEED to be over in 7 month's time just because, and just because I almost feel like I've shown him a lot of me, and who knows? - is it because he's my first male partner? I wish I could go to a club with him, I wish I could spend more time with him. I wish, I wish!
I still want to drink him up and hug him close and kiss him till we feel like we've inhaled each other, but the smartsy part of me is ever-considering university, and now I'll stop asking, so you can stop reading, and type words of your own, for ME! Thanks, and Lovelyboy is as Lovely as ever, for the record :)