I wonder what it feels like to get a paycheck, to show up to work, to feel like there is a purpose to my life. I am a year away from high school graduation and I have yet to find my purpose in life. I feel as if must be one of lost dreams, corrupted hope and no sense of direction. I only see a cliff that I am being pushed towards after graduation. Does anyone hope this for a child they think so highly of? I would not for my own children, but I sometimes feel like this is the secret of the people around me. I have been told that someone is leaving a job “soon” and that I could have it when he leaves, but how long is “soon” may I ask of you? Or were you just saying something to say something? I just keep my face emotionless as people I know rub it my face that they are getting paid, and I don’t express it until I get home; but I feel like shit that I never felt the feel of a paycheck in my own name.

What does it feel like to receive a paycheck? To be able to do things, to have the ability to go out and do what you want to do. I wonder what it feels like to hold a paycheck in my hands to feel in my fingers, to feel the grain of the paper. The letters and numbers on the piece of paper, what does it feel like? What does it feel like to endorse the check? To feel the flow of the ink onto the box where you endorse the check?

I cannot understand the difference between someone being truly sympathetic and willing to help, and someone just giving advice with mal intent just to get my hopes up anymore. I sometimes feel angry and want to scream at the ones who give me misconceived chances of hope, but these are some of the same people I feel do a lot of positive things in my life. I don’t understand it at all why I have been told things just to get my hopes up when it just creates more sorrow in my soul.

I feel no purpose to my life without a job, I feel as if there is nothing to look forward to, nothing there for my future. I feel as if society does not want me to be a productive citizen. I sometimes wonder if it is because I am gay, is it because I am different. Am I too offending for your workplace? Do you not want someone that looks like me to work for you? I sit here day by day, seeing the economy sink, sink even deeper. I see predictions of unemployment rising and I lose my hope every time.

What is wrong with me that stopping me from getting a job? I have searched and wondered and asked myself questions, but they come back without the answer I need. What is it? Is it the fact that I am gay? Is it because I am the way I look? I beg of you what is wrong with me?

All I ask for is a chance, a chance to be employed, a chance to feel worth something. I just wonder what it feels like to have a job.

I submit application, after application. I call; I ask questions, I talk to mangers. But what is it that’s wrong with me from not getting a job? I wonder the mall trying to collect applications just to hear “no, sorry” many times in a row.