So it's been a week since I've spoken to her. Her. I need to give her some sort of letter identifier. What hasn't been taken? There's Q and Z. Q makes me think of names like Queenie or Quentin, which makes me picture a snobbish, pretentious geek with a high nasal voice and dowdy clothes - you know, ugly flower print dresses, with frills, shoulder pads, and chocolate ice cream stains - the type of clothes you see miserable fat women wearing on the bus. I have no idea why Q evokes all these images. But she is definitely not a Q. She's more of a Z. Z is cool, sexy, enlightened, artistic - like her!
I'm not even sure if I'm mad at her anymore. What she told me a couple weeks ago, about how she's not into me, is apparently not true. She wrote me a letter + told me how amazing and beautiful I am, how she's sorry etc. But things are so fuckin intesely complicated and we can't be together and I don't know what exactly I'm feeling because all these feelings are so new to me. I'm just really tired, drained, sad.
I cried myself to sleep last night, and then I had the scariest nightmare. I've had nightmares for the past three nights, and they're all really dark, strange, twisted. I don't know where things like that come from. Such dark thoughts, in such a happy, cute, perfect girl. ha! it just looks like that from the outside.
so recap: I'm miserable
New topic: people are fucking idiots! Two weeks ago, Z and I were walking downtown holding hands, and this asshole passes us, sneers, and says really sarcastically, "Well, would you look at that!"
Yeah, would you look at that - two attractive women being themselves and doing what makes them happy! I mean, for goodness sakes, do I not have the right to hold hands with the girl I shared a special, intimate, magical bond with the night before?!!Wtf???? I mean, I see boy+girl couples all the time basically having sex in the street and nobody says anything. All we do is HOLD HANDS and it's a big deal?

Couples at IKEA holding hands as they excitedly look at furniture together.
An arm around a waist at the grocery store.
Snuggling up at the movie theater.

Will I not be able to do these basic, human things without commentary form assholes? I mean, I'm not trying to anger anyone. I'm not trying to make any sort of statement. I'm just being myself.

Being myself. Right now that isn't seeming so wonderful. I'm opinionated. smart, talented, generous, kind, loving, beautiful, sexual, incredibly open minded. I'm curious about all sorts of things in life, and I'm really adventurous. I think this makes some girls dislike me. Girls have always been jealous of me, and I've always wanted them to like me. It's a rather unfortunate combination. This + situation with Z = bringing me down.

I started the new year with so much energy, such high hopes; it's not even February and already I'm exhausted, which sucks because there were so many things I wanted to do this year. Here's some of the things on the list:
1. Buy a guitar, learn how to play it, and jam with some of my coworkers
2. Get better at spanish - join the spanish speaking club at my university, meet pretty spanish boys and girls, add to my ever-growing collection of spanish music.
3. Start running again. I used to be a really good runner. Then I broke my leg, and I haven't gotten back into it.
4. Take a lot of pictures with the digital camera I got for Christmas
5. Become a dj. Have my own show on our little campus radio station where I've already been volunteering for quite some time.
6. apply for this program where I go study in Montreal for the summer.
7. piercings
8. a tattoo (maybe)
9. Research archaeological digs to volunteer for sometime next year.
10. get serious about writing, go for coffee with this awesome university prof and published author that I know
11. be more informed about world issues. Speak up when I think something's unfair.
12. finally finish my pilot's license
So there you have it. So much I want to do. No energy to do it because my heart's a little broken. and I'm a little scared of all the assholes in the world.

But here's something I'm trying to remember:

I think YOU can do more harm to YOURSELF for NOT being YOURSELF, than the world can ever do to you for BEING YOURSELF.