So...
she tells me how much she likes me, how amazing I am, how attracted to me she is. I tell her how I feel about her, as well as a bunch of shit from my childhood I've only told my closest friends.
I sleep over at her place. We fool around. A lot. I allow myself to be more vulnerable than I've ever been before. Yeah, it's a little terrifying, but overall it's pretty magical. So magical in fact, that I almost lose my virginity to her. She wanted to have sex with me, and I wanted it too, but decided to wait since I didn't know her that well.
And thank god for that because today she told me 'she wasn't really into it' and even though it's obvious something's happening, and things are really intense betweeen us, 'she's only falling for me as a friend.' Who the fuck says that?
I don't know about you guys, but when I like someone as a friend, I don't try to fuck them.
I feel so confused, so used, so hurt, so completely mislead.
I come out, try and meet other glbt people, make myself so vulnerable...for what?
This?
I'm so stunned and hurt right now I can't even cry. I just don't get her.
And yeah...I feel used because guess what? I would really prefer only being intimate with people who actually LIKE me - surprise, surprise!
I want to find a nice girl who doesn't just want me for...hell, I don't even know what she wanted from me!
Honestly though, right now I feel so jaded, I think it will be really hard for me to trust someone again.
I...don't really have anything else to type; I just feel so incredibly horrible and bad about myself. Maybe I'm just not attractive enough, or funny enough, or smart enough. Maybe I just don't have whatever it is that is supposed to make people want to have a relationship with me.
This is stupid, I know; and trust me, I know it's not healthy to think this way. Usually I have more confidence. Just now, I feel like hell.