just a little background..have considered myself straight with some insecurities about my sexuality,thought about if I was gay for the longest time but it just didn't fit right (no pun intended lol) nor did I ever feel like I was really 'gay'.Thought about if I was Bi also but the feelings just didn't feel right as well.I identify more with being straight but with a horrible sense of loss in terms of me dealing with my same sex attractions/affections, I used to consider myself Bi because I did have alot of interest and affection for the same sex..upon thinking about it some more I realized I felt like I wanted more of a 'hetero' friendship with other guys, talking about girls and just being 'guys',which I have always been..rough,tough and sock em types.Though initially I may have strong sexual attractions and affections,it quickly fades into a deep sense of respect for another..just as being 'a man'.I really like that masculine energy and being around other guys,all rowdy and shit lol.It makes me feel good and accepted.I have more interest in being and feeling accepted then I have ever had a curiosity or desire in being with a man sexually.Though of course I was curious..I think all really sexual and horny guys are at one point in their lives,even straight guys.
But with an inability to really share positive or
show any sense of caring towards another male..I have become stunted and blunted in my ability to share any type of affection or caring towards
another male without feeling insecure or god forbid..homophobic.
Being that I do have alot of feelings of affection and attraction towards them in the first place it may come out wrong like I am trying to hit on them or whatever..when really I am not,I am just going with my feelings and how to deal with them,I only know how to show affection in one terms and it's sexual.That's also weird because I used to think being with a guy might be exciting but in real life and in their presence of an actual person,though I feel attracted to them and affection it feels more like I am seeking approval,acceptance and their attention..to be one of the guys or just friends.
I am just having a hard time learning in how to deal with my affections and attractions to the same sex without feeling all homophobic about it.
It's not really that I am insecure about those feelings, but the strange thing is..I am actually more insecure about my sexual feelings with females.Being that the feelings and affections I have for guys are familiar,I understand where they root from and why I have them..It reminds me of my relationship with my dad,splintered,ambiguous, and
uncomfortable.I really do want that connection and depth of relationship with other males..but not a sexual one though my affections and attractions might feel intense,I used to mistake it as being sexual ..but the more and more time goes by,the more I realized I was seeking not just a connection with a man but with mankind as a brother or brothers.
I never had that level of comradery,love, respect and power alot of most
confident guys have.I wanted that and seen that in my actions,why I was always this tough,wannabe 'alpha guy'..it was because I wanted to be the person I was lacking inside,I wanted to be like those guys that were tough,strong,courageous and daring.
But how strong can a man be,I mean really really be..if he can't even
have a emotional/mental even physical connection with another man
without feeling frightened,insecure or homophobic while in the presence
of other men??
I don't think a man could even be with a woman completely or as a
whole man without dealing with these deep and conflicted issues in the first place,it may leave him feeling splintered,lost,insecure and unsure of his masculine identity not to mention his sexual identity.
I often thought I was gay in the past..as a matter of fact,convinced of it in the past..but as time went by,I knew that would not satisfy me mentally,physically nor emotionally..I always knew,no matter how bad it got,no matter how horrible they may seem and up to no good,no matter how many trust issues or whatever issues I may have with them and no matter how much I curse them and swear to god I hate them and done with them..I know,I will always love and am only capable of loving someone 'that way',with a girl.I just know these things..I just feel it soo strongly ,I am just going through dealing with excess baggage with them and pain that it's sometimes unbearable to deal with.
All of this started when being taunted and called a fag for either being too sensitive or caring as a youth..though I quickly grew out of that and grew a tough skin not to mention a horrible persona of this tough guy image I have created for myself..it's like all the masculine traits exaggerated.I'd rather be a true 'tough guy' and be able to deal with other men and everything that comes along with it,talking,sharing,caring and just being a genuine real person with them instead of all this late 80s Sylvester Stallone macho bullshit...I am tired of playing that role,I want to actually be a person of real genuine strength and character not of just someone I made up and trying to be like..