So lately,
I've been feeling somewhat down, stressed out. University's out for Christmas, all my term papers are handed in, and my exams are over so there's nothing to distract me. Not that I've needed distraction that much...I've actually felt incredibly happy for the first time in a long time. I think it stems from being more open about myself, trying new things, being around people my own age, and well, meeting another gay chick. That I think I may be falling for. Which is absolutely ridiculous because I only just met her. Anyways, I'm not going to do anything about it because like I said, we only just met, we're starting to become really good friends, I don't want to freak her out, and she likes someone else.
So yeah, liking her is making me feel excited, nervous/stressed all at the same time.
And then there's this: I really think I'd make a horrible lesbian. I dont look gay, I don't act gay, and I'm sorry for saying this, but to be perfectly honest, I really, really, really don't want to be gay. It makes it harder to meet someone, it gives people more reasons to judge you, it makes me feel weird, you constantly have to come out to people, yada, yada, yada.
I try to like guys, I really do, but I'm quite horrible at not being myself. It's like I have this inner compass that never lets me swing too far off from who I am, which is good I guess. It's just, I dunno....
I play these mental olympics in which I convince myself I'm straight, but as soon as I walk out my front door and interact with people, well, my feelings come slapping me in the face.
What's also confusing me is that up to about 15 I did have feelings for guys. So, um, where are they now? I don't make any sense.
btw jeff, what's with this spam filter problem?
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You're me. Except you're at
You're me. Except you're at university and actually know a few gay girls. Which makes you x10 less pathetic than me.
I don't 'look' gay, I don't much care to be part of a gay community and I certainly don't want to be gay.
I close my mind up so much that I'll start thinking I'm straight, but then a pretty girl, or any girl, will make me melt and feel all awkward and ugly and flustered.
And men just leave me unmoved, except very occasionally and then only as decorative objects- more like a lampshade than a sexual partner.
Maybe you had puppy love feelings for guys the way (allegedly) some straight girls have female crushes in early adolescence. Or maybe you're dormantly bisexual.
thanks,
the lampshade comparison made me laugh! and i don't know you, but i'm sure you're not pathetic. from your journals you seem quite fantastic - kinda like the people I like to hang out with. if we were living in the same city we'd probably be friends!
same here.
Hey. This is interesting to me because it's kind of the way I feel, too. I keep trying to figure out what the heck I am - I keep thinking I'm bisexual, but I realized all of the sudden the other day, I haven't really had feelings for guys since freshman year when I was 14 (I'm 18 now) ... what does that mean? Am I (as strange as it sounds) suppressing feelings for guys, wanting to just be a lesbian and get it over with? Have I just not met the "right" guy? Why are my feelings for girls stronger than they ever were for guys - is it because I was younger then, and didn't know how to love properly? Or is it because I'm just more attracted to girls? WHAT IS UP???
I actually kind of like Lol-taire's "puppy love" theory where that last question is concerned, but I really can't tell for sure. I guess I just wait and see.
But yeah. I also don't look stereotypically gay or act stereotypically gay. This is going to make things difficult, I'd imagine.
Oh dear... *sigh* ... what are we going to do about us?
hey,
nice to know i'm not alone, not some weird freak of nature. lol. but yeah, the puppy love thing seems to make a little sense, and so does 'dormantly bisexual.' whatev, we'll sort ourselves out eventually...hopefully...lol
good luck to us!
Err...
You're supposed to date people you just met. It's much weirder if you try and shift the script once you're friends, sort of late at that point.
Spam filter: service we use is offline WAY too much lately, so timing out on checking messages for spam here before they get posted. I told Adrian, no word on it yet. It blocks 100+ spam from being posted every day, though, so it's not an insignificant amount.
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hey!
I think you have summed up on how I feel about the whole gay thing most of the time too.I don't really have any good advice.All I can say is I know the feeling!
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent-Eleanor Roosevelt