a few years ago, i was in love with one of my teachers. here is the story. the teacher was a woman, and this was a T.A. in university. but the rules in hiskewl and university/college are the same: teachers and students are not allowed to get involved. i'd rather not say her real name here, but i'll just call her Dee. she was so beautiful, sexy, intelligent, confident, amazing... i was crushing on her for months. i always made sure i looked good on the days when i had her class (2x a week). i would spend hours getting ready for skewl- styling my hair, picking out nice clothes- because i wanted to look pretty for her. i participated a lot in class because i wanted her to know that i really cared about her course. we started to spend time together outside of class: eating, having coffee, talking, and smoking (i used to smoke at that time). she was so cool, unique, and a good listener. we talked about everything. she told me she was bi, and i really thought there was a possibility of us getting together, even though she was 10 years older than me (but she looked young for her age!). she was funny, and i was able to make her laugh, which felt great. sometimes i brought her cookies, chocolates, and other little snacks. nobody really knew what was going on between us. i didn't tell anyone about my feelings for her.

i used writing to deal with my overwhelming feelings of love, lust, confusion, and frustration. i wrote secret poems about how beautiful she was, about running away with her on a tropical vacation, about spending the whole day with her and then making love with her all night. i wanted her to know how much i appreciate her- mind, body, and soul. i thought about her all the time. sometimes i lay in bed, touching myself, wondering about how her gorgeous lips would taste... about her long thick hair wild around her, brushing my skin... about kissing, licking, and caressing her beautiful body... my face against her full tits and my hands on her curvy hips, her hot ass... my mouth soft against her pussy, my tongue rhythmic against her clit, my fingers stroking inside her warm wetness... all i wanted to do was feel her, to give her pleasure, to do whatever she tells me to do... to make her cum, to make her mine. all MINE.

being in love was a rollercoaster of extreme highs and extreme lows. getting crazy over a teacher really fucked me up. as the months went by, it increasingly took its toll on me. physically- i couldn't sleep, i lost my appetite, and part of the reason why i started chain-smoking that year was because i was so stressed out over HER. emotionally- i was so depressed and anxious much of the time, i had trouble focusing on schoolwork, i had trouble focusing on my friends. my mind was just somewhere else... completely out of touch with reality and my own well-being. in retrospect, i now realize i was naive and blind... but mainly i was inexperienced. i had never been emotionally or physically involved with a girl before. i had never been involved with a supervisory adult before. the whole experience was completely new and confusing.

when the schoolyear ended, i lost contact with Dee. i figured we were never going to talk or hang out anymore, even though i secretly missed her. then one day i got an e-mail from Dee. she said that she had been thinking about me, and asked me if i wanted to get together. i wrote back "okay, that would be cool, etc.", trying not to sound too eager, but then i never heard back from her. i tried contacting her again, but still received no answer. i was wondering why. eventually i started hanging out with gay/bi girls closer to my own age. and i temporarily moved on. then, several months later i was going thru an extremely emotionally difficult time. i was in a huge fight with my family and with my girlfriend who couldn't commit to me. i asked Dee if we could get together, and she invited me to go out for breakfast. we went to the cafe. i was too stressed and nervous to eat. then we went to her apartment. we got stoned. it was really hot in the room, so i asked her "do you mind if i take off my jeans?" she said "go ahead." so i was in a tank-top and panties. we sat on her couch, listened to music, and i asked her to cross her legs so i could lay down and rest my head in her lap. she played with my hair (which is naturally wavy) and untangled the little tangles. it felt so good, comfy, and safe. i love cuddling. i never wanted to get up. we talked for a long time. she told me a lot of really personal things about herself. she told me about how she had gotten raped when she was little, and about how her dad was a crackhead and a drug dealer. i then told her about how she was my first serious female crush, how she was the person who really made me realize i'm gay. although i'm quite sure she had known how i'd felt about her all along, now that i'd said it out loud, i had somewhat reaffirmed my feelings. i think she finally understood the depth of my love for her. i think she saw the empty, hungry look in my eyes. like a lonely little puppy, i needed her. i had secretly hoped that this would be the day i would finally get to hold her face in my hands, to kiss her, to feel her body against mine in a passionate, romantic way. but it became clear that this was not going to happen.

she said she was flattered, but that we can't be together. i was upset by this reality, as i looked at her dejectedly. she gave me three reasons: 1) she thinks i am too young to date her. 2) she doesn't want to date anyone who is her former student. 3) she doesn't have casual sex with girls, she only sleeps with girls who she has been dating. she was like, "i've always thought you are really pretty. but i'm not looking for a younger girlfriend. but if i were, you would definetely be near the top of the list." i couldn't help but take this as her blatantly pitiful effort to console me. i was crushed; my first true love had just clearly rejected me. i felt like such a fucking retarted loser. oh well. i went home. after that day, we talked about 2 times. but then we had this stupid falling-out over this other stupid thing. she really let me down. and that was basically the last straw. i started to realize that maybe Dee wasn't such a great person after all. maybe she had changed, from the girl who i had originally fallen for. maybe i had just seen a side of her that i had never seen before, and i didn't like what i saw. eventually i was over it, over her. i learned from the experience, but i still have painful memories and i still have scars. i think i always will.

i highly recommend avoiding this situation at all costs. if you find yourself obsessed with anyone who is completely out-of-bounds, like your teacher, your coach, your boss, one of your friend's parents, or some other adult... TELL someone. you don't have to name the person's name, you don't have to get them in trouble, but you DO have to talk about your situation and your feelings. go to a counsellor or some other impartial person if you don't feel comfy talking to a friend or relative. sometimes it's better to talk to someone who doesn't know you personally, anyway. if i had talked to someone about what i was going thru, this whole teacher-crush fiasco probably would never have escalated as far as it did or spiralled out of control. if i'd had someone to confide in, someone to listen, someone to give me objective advice... things could have been a lot easier for me, and much more physically and emotionally healthy.

you can't always help who you fall in love with. i definetely didn't choose to fall for Dee. not because she was female, but because of who she was- my teacher, someone 10 years older than me, someone with a lot of power over me. sometimes i feel like maybe she abused that power. i was still a teenager, and she was an adult. as the girl who was older and more experienced, maybe she should have been more responsible. maybe she shouldn't have let me get so close to her, so attached to her. maybe i was "mature" or she was "immature". i don't know why she spent so much time one-on-one with me, why she told me such personal things about herself, or why she did drugs with me that time. maybe we truly had a connection. i don't know, it feels like it was so long ago, i'm forgetting what being with her felt like. maybe she just loved the attention i gave her, because i made her feel special. maybe she really had feelings for me, not sexual or romantic feelings, but maybe she saw me like her little sister and she wanted to be there for me and take care of me. maybe she had felt the urge to sleep with me, but would have felt too guilty going thru with it, like it would have been taking advantage of me. although i was sad that i never got to kiss her or make love to her, i now realize that NOT letting me kiss her or have sex with her was probably the best thing she could have done for me at that point. if she had let things get sexual, i probably would have ended up even more of an emotional wreck. so i guess in some way, she was always looking out for me. maybe she was confused about her feelings too. since i don't talk to her anymore, i guess i'll never know. and that's okay. there are a lot of things i'll never know about Dee- although she was open about a lot of things, she had a lot of mystery about her too. she's a wild bird that has flown out of my life. i don't have any hard feelings against her and i don't blame her for anything. i believe that she is fundamentally good. if i ever bump into her, i'll say hi. but i don't think we're supposed to be in eachother's lives anymore. i still think she is beautiful, sexy, intelligent, confident, and amazing. i know she's had a rough life, i know she's risen above many challenges, and i really respect her. but i have already learned all i was meant to learn from her. i guess we just weren't meant to be together as lovers. oh well. she's still a goddess... and on some level, every woman i meet still gets subconsciously compared to her.