You know its weird, I just don't know what I'm going to do anymore. I'm at the point right now where I have to start making critical decisions like what I'm going to do as a career, where I'm going to live, my orientation, etc. The thing is I'm not sure of myself in the least. The only thing I know for sure is that I want to end up teaching elementary school. You see for the past two years I've worked for a before and after school care for an elementary school and absolutely fell in love with the job. I've been studying in college so I can get my degree and started my student teaching. Yet while I get my career goals in sight the rest of my life lays in shambles.

My dad used to tell me "There are two things that make a man sucessful: His career and finding the woman he can spend the rest of his life with". While the last part may or may not apply to me the message is pretty clear. Without a social life and someone to stand beside me I'm really only half a man.

Thats where the decisions become difficult, because I'm not necessarily sure where I stand on my sexuality. I mean I don't think I'm straight because I have a clear attraction towards other guys but at the same time I don't think a relationship like that really works out. I mean from everything I've heard gay guys aren't the most loyal people (Sorry I really don't mean to stereotype) and I'm looking for someone to fall in love with and be with. The other thing is that I've never actually told my parents that I feel this way, I mean I'm sure they have suspicions about me but I don't think they've put it together. I think if my dad found out it would kill him. At the same time if I were to persue my dream career there's no way people would be ok with it. I don't think parents in the middle of the south would think it a positive thing to leave their child's education to a teacher that swings both ways. Say I do end up with a guy, how would I explain that when a child asks about my wife...shit

I think I'm just going to have to figure this out coming up. I'm going to be teaching in japan for a year in the JET program once I get my bachelors degree. I just hope I can figure things out and come back a whole man.