Okay, see that title? Yeah. Someone actually said that to me today. HOLY SHIT.

I went to an old friend's birthday party. Met some new people, saw old ones, mended fences... this one old friend got fucking HOT. Too bad she's straight. Anyway, it was fun, but towards when she was about to leave, Angie, one of my closest out-of-school friends who's a really awesome bi chick, starts acting a little strange, and I sort of realize that she's been acting a little strange all night. Until finally she takes me into the back bedroom, shuts the door behind her, and says "I want to feel you."

It's not like I hadn't seen the signs. She'd been touchy feely all night, and the last time I saw her she asked my opinion on friends with benefits. But when she said she asked for 'no reason,' I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt, to not assume that she liked me unless she told me. But, yeah: I was still blown away. And the first thing I could think of to say was, "I feel a Spring Awakening song coming on." And the whole discussion did sound remarkably like SA, story-wise if not dialogue-wise. I didn't quite know how to respond to just an outright statement like that, but I thanked her for her honesty (which was just really amazing... it takes such fucking guts to admit stuff like that), and said upfront that I wouldn't let it mess up our friendship.

And I asked her some questions, because I was just really confused by the whole thing. She said it was a little of liking me for me, and a little "ooh, a girl who likes girls!" And that she wanted to... 'experiment.' Her exact wording, I think, was, "I want to feel."

And... I just wasn't feeling it. I apologized a lot, and eventually told her no, because... it's scary. And I don't want ot fuck up our friendship. And... I always assumed that my first kiss would be one of the inevitable, soaring music moments out of a movie. I know it won't be exactly like that, but still... I didn't feel that at all. I was curious, sure, but I didn't actively WANT to do anything. And I think you should actually want to do something, adn not just do it because it's there. But now I feel weird that I said no, my brain is creaming 'but what if I never get another shot?' I guess I just have to wait.

And the thing I forgot to mention is, we were discussion where we would do this 'experimentation,' if we were to do it. She wanted to go upstairs to our other friend's house, because otherwise, my mom and friend's mom were nearby. And as soon as we finished our conversation, my friend's mom comes in. Arg.

God, though, it sucks, how much trouble it is to find non-straight girls, the almost obligatory crush, the reluctance to refuse in case you never find another. With a straight girl, she can meet straight guys and nothing happens. Nothing has to happen, I should say. But with gay girls, at least for me, a crush is sort of obligatory, even if it's not real. Don't ask me exactly what that means, I doubt I could tell you. But, it's all just big and freaky, and I hope Angie and I are okay and that I can be clearheaded and not cheat myself out of any romance with my stupid idealism and insecurity.

Thanks for bearing with me, assuming you read the whole thing. But, I'm very, VERY confused right now, and no matter what little bit of this you read, comments would be GREATLY appreciated.