shit. it's been a while. a lot has happened since june, the last time i wrote anything on oasis.

i had a girlfriend for a while. it was a long distance relationship and it didn't work out, but for a while...i was happy. i think that's why i didn't need oasis so much. i spent my summer studying creative writing in the city with a class full of bisexual/lez girls who accepted me and flirted with me and made me feel amazing.

then my relationship ended and i started to have feelings for julie again.

actually, the feelings never really went away. i surpressed them, and surprisingly, it worked...but now that i'm back on the market, things are different.

she's still a tease. she still flirts with me (but i have yet to discern whether this is unintentional). i went to the homecoming dance tonight with a friend of mine. i had to look at her in a gorgeous clingy dress...then we went in her boyfriend's hot tub and i had to look at her in a swimsuit and try not to stare. it was torture.

maybe i'm crazy, but i feel like she uses every excuse possible to touch me. if she has to walk past me, she puts her hand on my shoulder. if she's messing around, she grabs my ass. when she gives me a hug, it lasts a few seconds too long. and tonight she told me that my boobs (which i recently grew, even though i'm almost 18--ha) looked good in my bikini. she said in spanish. "Tus pechos son buenos en tu traje de bano." i just blushed--"um...gracias."

sure, straight girls say things like that to each other...but with me...it's excessive. maybe she's just flirting with me because she's curious, because it's fun...because she's cruel and awful...i don't know. this is driving me crazy.

i feel like i'm 13 again. i can't stop thinking about her. i can't write a song about anything but her. she has actually inspired some of my best work...i played those songs for her, hoping that the subtext would sink in. if it did, she never did anything to show me that she got the message.

i can't tell any of my friends that i have feelings for her because A) they would be weirded out...and it's already weird enough to them that i'm gay, and B) they would think i'm a terrible person. her boyfriend is one of my good friends. she is (at this point) my best friend and we supposedly tell each other everything. supposedly we don't keep secrets from each other. she knows everything about me, except the one thing that's most important...

...this is so typical. ever since i was 12 i've always fallen for my best friend. it's inevitable. i think this is why i have such a hard time making friends with girls...eventually, i have to stop talking to them because it gets to be too much.

but now i have oasis (once again) and i can gush about her as much as i want without being judged. so i will. and maybe i can get her out of my system.