So if you Track me and go to my comment in my last journal entry you may see where this stems from. Right now I'm still stuck on my super crush who should hopefully become much more... who has a relatively recent 'physical mar'. Oh noes. I wouldn't call myself shallow, but aren't I for caring SO much about this? Even if I put it aside later, the fact that my mind leaps on it so much and I just read someone's post about a certain store that they shop at and I instantly think: TRASH... I feel like a very uncaring person for my initial mental reactions.
I know, I know; everyone judges. I WAS brought up in a very wealthy environment and AM still catered to each and every day (sometimes literally, yay caterers!) yet I know quite clearly how far down the totem pole I definitely am compared to many people. Right now I'm rather well off, but not anything amazing, and the fact that I bother to brand myself as 'rather well off' makes me mentally slap myself because doing such just reminds me of a low class comment. See what I mean?
I don't think it's so wrong to think these things, society has always run this way and we all gravitate towards people of similar socioeconomic status. Duh. Still, we look past physical defects when speaking to others, and obviously we all cope with being 'abnormal' in the sense of GLBT.
I half don't give a damn about being more accepting, and half know that I HAVE to be more accepting or else WTF will my thought patterns be like in university? Will I be instinctively shying away from the mildly attractive boy a few doors down because he's reeeeally poor? Will I nod and smile and WORK with the ugly but similarly 'deep' guy in my class, but never ever want to hang out with him beyond that because he looks so unappealing? And I KNOW that appearance and status and much more is all a roll of the die (dice) and that MAKES me want to befriend or go out of my way for niceness... but so so so much of the time I view anyone as being a tool or of a rank or file and nothing more.
I don't even want to divulge this for the reasoning that a fair amount (far lessened since I've come on this site!) of the time I inwardly view emotional people as being sappy or uncontrolled or specifically; weak or easy to manipulate. Lots of teenagers go on power trips and plenty like to work manipulation into their own little worlds, but when and how am I going to change MY viewpoints? Sure, a lot of this right now is dictated by hormones, and I sincerely LOVE being able to elevate myself above anyone in a room and know I'm correct, or at least remove myself from any emotional attachments to a person; but I also at times feel so bad for the unwanted people.
I can examine myself and diagnose the pathetic points I have, although I'd consciously work against several since it's fundamentally wrong to do so in the first place... but ugh I keep disliking myself for being so shallow. Ok, it's not WRONG to dislike my crush's altered appearance, but I want to throttle whatever is making me so against having feelings for him now, solely based on a small facet of who he is. At the same time, my not-so-cold, always collected part says: Ditch him, he isn't appealing, there are thousands of appealing boys out there for you, you can eventually have any you want. Associating with the unattractive makes you unattractive.
However, the last few lines are readily open to debate. Sort of. Human evolution dictates that I'm probably correct, but human morality is making me spin a bit now. Comments?
Hug-o-gram from you to me please.