I had Over My Head (Cable Car) done by this cool a capella group running through my head last night. It took me ages to fall asleep. I was at my mom's friend's country house, on a bed which I honestly couldn't tell if it was comfortable or uncomfortable... I was overcome with anger at the girl who was my best friend, then flirted with me, drew out my crush on her while i hated myself for loving my best friend and endangering our amazing friendship, then started acting all superior and being a bitch, and telling me that she'd been keeping me as a SPARE, and didn't actually have feelings for me. ARGH. And then the first phone conversation we have since the whole blow-up and her two minutes of apology for a year's worth of shit and emotional turmoil that she put me through... she says that she hooked up with a guy at camp. And she made herself sound like a victim, like it wasn't her fault. "I just let it happen," she said, "He started kissing me and I just went along with it," as if that makes it not cheating on her faithful, amazing boyfriend. This, no less, after she fucked with my feelings and my life to keep me as a spare, in case her supreme neediness had something go wrong with her boyfriend de jour and needed a quick fix for self-esteem or anything. All the times I gave myself to her 100%, and I was always always ALWAYS second. OK, I'm sure I'm exaggerating that, she was a good friend to me a lot of times, but still, that's what it feels like. She doesn't fucking learn, and she can't apologize, and it's fucking infuriating. She was my best friend, she made me who I am today. She told me I was beautiful, and I felt beautiful. And now, I can't tell myself that she wasn't just fucking with me then, too. GOD DAMNIT I HATE THIS! I'm not going to say "I hate her," because that's hard to take back, but......... FUCK.