till i'll feel (as close to genuinely) happy again.
Nine days until I see T next, but for some reason that's not what I'm looking forward to most.
Nine days until I catch a train up to sydney and get utterly stoned for the day.
Nine days until I catch a train to a rave (location not yet announced) and pop one, two, three pills to make me forget all the shit that's running through my mind right now.
Sure, the high might only be a few hours, maybe 10 or 12, but it's worth the anticipation.
Everything in life's been feeling drained lately.
As cliche` as it sounds, the sun doesn't shine as bright as it used to.
The rain doesn't put me to sleep as peacefully as it once did.
I find myself tossing and turning with nightmares and horrid dreams to which I awake at ungodly hours of morn'.
T and I are drifting apart and I know it.
I saw her yesterday and we didn't click. We didn't spark.
We didn't hold hands or kiss or feel 'together' at all.
The weird thing is, I'm not doing anything about it.
Usually in relationships I'm the one that makes all the effort.
I'm the one that cancels previous plans just to spend those few measly but treasured hours with the one I love.
But with her, I can't.
She's always busy. Last weekend she was up in Sydney, right about now she's either in the car, or just arrived at the snow, where she'll stay until monday or tuesday.
Her schedules so full but I keep mine so empty in the hopes of finding that anomaly which allows us to spend that time together.
Its like we fell in love and we've been slowing standing up all this time.
I want to make her fall for me again.
I want her to want to see me as much as I want to see her.
I want her to miss me like I miss her, and I want her to say it, too.
I want to be on her mind like I was before we became "girlfriend and girlfriend".
But I don't know how.
My instability and constant switching between arrogance and self-loathing can only earn me so much sympathy.
I know it's wearing thin and I know I have to do something but I can't think of what, and I can't think of when.
All I know is that in nine days, alot's going to happen.
Not just the drugs, not just the music and dancing and smiles and hugs and lights and laughter.
Not just the feeling of happiness and bliss that I've been starving for for so long.
If nothing changes between me and T in nine days, then I don't think it's ever going to change.
I don't even know what I'm saying right now.
And I think I've got a crush on one of my classmates.
Who I came out to on friday. Which was weird, because I assumed everyone knew I was gay.
Anyway. She's straight, but cool.
I don't even know if I like her like that, she's just one of the kind of people I'd like to get to know a bit better.
So in 16 days, me and Jess are introducing her to the wonders of pot.
Consensual, of course.
I hope you've all had a better few days than I :)
And I hope you all continue doing so, too!