I've been trying to get into contact with schoolmates for the past few days and heard hardly a peep back, ahhhhhhh. I'm not sure if most are on vacation or outright ignoring me or not outright ignoring me or planning to get back to me later or WHAT, but it's getting to me as of right now. The irritating part is Facebook which makes me feel like a third of the people I messaged ARE ignoring me because they typed away to others but neglected what I messaged their ways. *Sigh*
The closest thing I have to a best friend right now is probably God. Outside of my *imaginary* friends, there is the girl I came out to, but she was away and I messaged her but she is seemingly more popular than I had grasped. She got a load of comments and did respond and say she was busy with other people but wanted to get in touch another time (that was a few weeks ago). She's really understanding and the usual great girl friend for a gay boy, but right now I feel COMPLETELY devoid of school friends as opposed to parts of last year where I felt in touch with everyone and was turning down invites to parties where I knew drugs or hardcore drinking or expected dancing (I'm not out, so gay me sidling up to the wall would be less than fun) would happen.
My life is dandy and I've really narrowed down my academic choices ahead of me and set up my upcoming job and everything but I'm almost back to the mindset of: friends aren't worth having. And there's lists of reasons why but I WANT to just go to the movies with someone or go to their house and play a game or have them over and watch TV but no one has called me back or messaged me meaningfully or anything.
That part of me that is overwhelmingly saying 'friends aren't worth much' also says that it could be a lot worse right now. I still feel like a sad panda though, it's the summer before my senior (i.e. LAST) year of high school, almost just a week to go before school starts... and I can almost 100% expect to be home ALONE (save parents returning from flights, or my brother to get stuff to take to university) every day until school starts. Maybe if I came out to my lady friends earlier I'd be slumming with them now (and being a lurker I know that they've gone out at least tri-weekly every night since August started, from 3-6 girlies!) but I have this horrible feeling that doing that would just be a temporary kick and I will always be excluded. It's life, I know, and girls can only befriend gay boys so far, but hello, I have a year of high school. If it's me, myself and I - what will I wind up like come university and reinvention time? :S
I hate it even more because I have even more money than usual and could practically offer to take someone to Toronto and go on a shopping spree but nooooooo.
And since I want to while away my time until I yawn a tad more, I know that even if I get back to super friendliness; I'll despise some people for being so completely oblvious to some jokes or intellectual points. I'll hate some girls for just using their sexuality to complain to the male teachers that I have to score points with to get into university too. I'll get pissed at myself for going to a stupid park or someone's house and literally wasting my time, not even having meaningful discussion... just 'hanging out'. I HATE IT.
If it's not lack of friendship, it's seemingly monotony that arrives to make me mad. If it's not monotony it's my lovely feeling of superiority in cash, brainpower and morality. At least I don't HATE myself, hopefully having this all laid out will make me feel better.
At least I have godsends this year... in a need to actually study, a need to do volunteering, a job to make me busy; and looking forward to post-secondary world. Can I avoid using words with 'God' in them if I want to be an atheist? Can I BE an atheist when I have to admit to myself that SOMETHING created everything and SOMETHING directs molecules to join and SOMETHING allowed humans to evolve and it all seems easy to assign that power to 'God'?
Edit: I know what's making me so extremely insane about this - it's the fact that there is this tangibility for friendship and 'normalcy' and being seen as more attractive still there. If I were being tried for Witchcraft, I'd know I have no friends and be over it and concentrate on more important things. As is though, I don't know what is what and feel like I'm being towed along by the high school bitch train. What strikes me as even WORSE is that I KNOW that this is the only time I will ever be here in life. I should seize the chance to have a ton of friends and do everything I can to attain them, not just hint or shakily ask about doing something sometime before summer's end. Hopefully that will come to pass in the school year, my inhibitions about telling people I'm gay makes it seem unlikely though. Sometimes I want to just go to a website and buy a hot male escort and have my weeklong superfriend and person to test the sexual waters with.