First, I'm gonna say that my camp is over. Done. Finito. Oh my fucking god, I'm so sad. I don't know if I'm ever going back, and I'm so, so, so sad.
But, my title: this sentence just popped into my head today. I don't think it's 100% true, and I am proud of who I am and everything, and being the token lesbian of my group can be fun, but sometimes I just hate it so much. When I first meet someone, it feels like I'm hiding something from them. I monitor myself really carefully to not say things that are awkward or "too gay," because my original instinct is to compensate for all these weird societal prejudices by acting really, really gay. I'm really touchy about negative comments towards gays, and sometimes take things as offensive when they're really not. And, most of all, fucking most of all, I get crushes on my friends. And I hate it. If I was straight and got crushes on my guy friends (I don't have all that many)... they're great people, yeah, but I'm not that that that close to them, and we don't have sleepovers together, and if I liked one of them, we might actually go out. But my girl friends... a lot of them are really attractive. And a lot of stuff that friendship is could also be taken as flirting. And so I get crushes on them that I don't know what to make of, so usually I try to ignore them, because even to admit to romantic feelings for someone who's a friend is to totally fuck things up and make stuff majorly awkward. Therefore, I try to dismiss every crush I have that's anything less than earth-shattering, I try to tell myself that it's not actually romantic feelings and that I'm just blurring friendship. And I hate this fuzzy line between friendship and crush, and I hate the awkwardness that I feel when I'm with someone I'm crushing on at a sleepover, I hate the feeling of knowing someone I like is straight as a board and will never return my feelings, I hate knowing that my crushes are never going to count because I keep denying them to myself. I hate being asked "who do you like?" by the exact person I'm crushing on, and I hate lying to them, OR telling them "I liked you... but it's over," but I would be scared as all hell to actually tell them, and it would completely warp our friendship and make things really, really awkward, especially since I don't particularly need/want a girlfriend right now, so I wouldn't really act on a small crush. I hate sexual tension. I hate social stigma. I hate weird looks for being "too gay." I hate feeling out of place when my straight girl friends talk about their love lives, and feeling like I have to say something about girls to reaffirm my sexuality. I hate how, when I'm arguing for gay rights, someone makes a really ridiculous, absurd argument (comparing homosexuality to beastiality/adultery/polygamy, etc.), so STUPID that I can't even put into words why it's wrong, but then start to doubt myself and my sexual orientation because I can't phrase exactly what's wrong with the other person's argument. I hate labels, I hate how much my sexuality matters, to me and to other people. I hate how much I'm worried that I actually like men too, because it screws up this whole identity I built for myself and makes everything a whole lot harder because I already have to deal with shit about liking girls, and if I liked both genders I'd just be in hell. I hate the fact that if I see a picture of something (erotica, etc... I have weird friends...) of a girl I know is attractive but I'm not, like, aroused, I suddenly have this whole crisis where I'm doubting my sexuality again. I hate society and all their bullshit stigma, and this huge double standard. I HATE IT.