Well haha, this is an update from me, who hasn't posted on here in a chunk of a whiles! Where my story left off... let's see, it was with me in summer school and having sent my crush a note and having him not said anything to me, and me wanting to be courageous on the last day and kiss him.
So, did I do it? Did I fail summer school? Did my boy kiss me? None of the above! So yeah, the second one is a good thing I guess, and maybe 'all things happen for a reason' but ugh, my boy completely ignored me for the remaining days of SS after that note! He didn't even glance at me (admittedly, I avoided looking at him because I felt crushed after a couple of days of no looks from *him* - or words, for that matter) but for my exam, I actually studied and feel I did well. And I know I more than passed. But I hate myself for getting so hung up over pretty-looking, smart-seeming, gay-acting boy of my temporary dreams and assuredly not getting in the 90's for this course... which will in part determine university acceptance.
Well, I'm basically over it now, I can still completely picture my crush and wish it had been different. I had a dream a few days after SS finished (he also left the exam earlier than I did, so no chance of good-bye unless I took drastic measures) and in it I was talking to my female friendlies at school and talking about summer school and 'this boy' (how I referred to him in the dream) and then one of the girls saying that I should break up with him, because break-ups are so good and you can get stuff from your partner before you leave. And I was all 'Omg what's WRONG with you? Why intentionally ever break up, I want LOVE damnit'. Or something like that, it left me pretty emotionally shaken up over the next few days though, and lately I've just been back to wanting... a boy to call my own!
I haven't been up to much, and woo, my crush still hasn't accepted or denied me on Facebook (I'm assuming he never uses it) but in terms of Facebook, I reconnected with some people and was out with my family the night someone called to ask me out to the movies with a bunch of people, boo! And not ask me out as in date, damn.
I played The Sims 2 for hours and hours a few days and got soooo wrapped up in it. Have you played The Sims? If you have, aaaah, you must know what I mean! I'm so bad, I kept intentionally making (gay) guys and getting the relationships going.
I wanted to start writing a novel, it's something I've always thought about doing and I have so many Bubbalicious thoughts (i.e. bubbling thoughts) but never 'found the time' to do it, or could convince myself to write/type over 200 pages in Word. I did a page though, haha, and I love what it is, as random and left-as-is as it is right now.
I only have 3 weeks until school! That SEEMS like a lot, but it definitely isn't! My new 'job' thing that I probably never mentioned here will be starting towards the end of this summer anyway and that will take up a lot of time. I really want to focus on my schoolwork this year, I have this horrible/stupidly sought-after program I'm in at school for the first part of the semester that means I or my parents will be driving me all over the place. And then since I want to be involved after school in extracurriculars... it means I'd have to get a drive there too and then picked UP so pretty hellish. However, my driving is coming along greatly, my damn instructor is on vacation though so this two week stint of my not driving because I honestly don't care to probably ='s poor performance when the lessons start back up.
I want to see that movie with Nicole Kidman in it pretty badly, it seems like a mesh of the forgotten/the others/signs/taken... all of which were bad, except the last 3 :) But the forgotten was absolute horribleness embodied forever. I typed horribleness to see if this Google spell check thing would ditch it or not. Pretty amazed that Goggle developed this to spell-check as you type online. I just got it from when the Google toolbar updated, anyone else?
Yeah, so this is getting boring for you, is it? I was thinking about how to come out to some of my girlies at school, or if to come out to them beforehand. A bunch do not want to go to registration which is when we pick lockers. For the last years of high school here, I've always basically gotten my locker randomly/luckily and been next to relatively literally cool people and people that I can tolerate and vice versa. I know exactly where I want my locker this year though and it's where the senior's last year had theirs mainly so it's tradition, for reals.
I caught onto someone from my would-be 'job' soon saying 'whatevs' all the time and I HATE it. It's the same thing as tacking 'fuck' onto words every fucking which way. It sounds really funny sometimes, sometimes very grown-up... mostly I'd think of people my age sounding rude or wannabe grown-up though, so that's why I'd want to avoid it. Plus if you use 'fuck' a lot, things you say sound a lot harsher sometimes when you don't mean too. I.e. 'For fucks sake Alicia, gimme the paint can!' when someone really means it in a nice way. Haha, imagine if your neighbours were like that... I was thinking of that exact quote for my pretend novel.
When I was younger I'd always wish I was telekenetic and would swear to myself that some things that moved or closed or drawers that shut when I pushed them lightly but never shut for anyone ELSE when pushed lightly were a result of my mind. I grew out of it but mmm, how I wish now. I was watching the X-Men movies last night and I love them (except the last, silly director) and imagine how fun it'd be to have some of those powers! Well, not just fun but maybe vindicating or self-satisfying... or a feeling of safety. Not that I don't feel safe, buuut, a hop skip and a jump away are continents where people would like to see me (and probably you) hanged, filleted, burnt alive etc. etc. for being GLBT.
I didn't realize my (Canadian) Conservative gov. was so anti-gay. You'd THINK they'd just leave it alone and work on BIGGER problems instead of working AGAINST gay rights sometimes. Damn them. And I picked up 'damn' from my future co-worker too. Damn.
I've never really studied things from schoolwork after entering high school. I could and I'd do so much better, but I never want to. I usually have the time and sometimes wonder WTF I do on weeknights anyway, but studying seems so boring to me a lot of the time. How to make it seem better? Filling my mind with the nonsense of 'this is your future, this is your MONEY future, this is your gay-male filled future at a university of your exact CHOCIE' doesn't entice me at the times to study either. If everyone studied for an hour after they came home from school though, woo. Even those who normally get 60's could probably pull up to 70's, and we'd be a land of intellectual abundance. And then the studying thing would catch on to younger generations, and bingo!
Except we don't, hmm. Maybe I just need to curb my TV addiction. I've been on Youtube more in the past 2 weeks than ever before I think. William Sledd is great! I LOVE LOVE LOVE What the Buck! too. Go look them up please, you'll enjoy something of it all.
Ok, thanks for reading, or commenting, or hopefully both. I almost hate myself (hate is strong, but it's sincerely getting to me) that I pretty much expect my school friends to call me up or e-mail me about going/doing something, and I can't organize it otherwise. I'm probably too afraid of rejection. I'd love to go to Canada's Wonderland with some of them though. I'd probably love to go there with you too. Where did the empowered, independent me that could scald people's appearances, intellectual ability or otherwise in my own mind at a glance? Sappy, teenage moi. Je m'excuse.
And I love whoever you are that posted about wanting to come to Montreal! Have a great night/day... I still want to meet an attractive gay boy and kiss him, even if I have to pay him. Or not even attractive. Well actually yes, since of the empowered, cynical, anti-emotional me; I retain the shallowness of (youth? pfft, everyone is shallow sometimes) humanity and would be much happier with some beauty. Gosh I'm so bad. Not sad, just unhappy. Am I? I want to not visualize a boyfriend or a potential relationship or a likely kiss occurrence or a WEEK of jubilance because of being out and getting the 95%+'s I used to in everything, I want it to HAPPEN. And I am so mad at myself internally for not making it happen, I know I can but my drive is just not there. I imagine it all being triggered by some kiss, my first real kiss. Silly, silly me.
How will I deal with a complete stranger in university if I get in a mood like this? By stranger I mean dormmate. Any tips from uni gays? Ok that's enough badness from me, sweet audieu for now!