She told me that she loved me last night. I think my heart hit the floor and bounced back up to lodge its self somewhere between my windpipe and my vocal chords because I had no words and no air. It's so weird, hearing those words, saying them back. Because it's been...Almost 4 months since I've said those words to her. There's that first time nervousness all over again. We said our first "I love you's" two years ago, so it's not like we both don't know how the other feels. We talk about everything. And at this point, we gab like the best friends we are. I love it, because I can go "NO WAY!" and she knows that I'm not mad, I'm just amused. And I know that she still wants me. I can tell. It's the undertones on every comment she says, but knows she maybe shouldn't make. The only difference between us and when we were dating is that she doesn't trust me. And she shouldn't. But I am a different person than I was then. I can't help it. I had to lose my world before I realized that I belonged with her. We haven't talked about the promises we made. But we've talked about all the things we said but did not mean. I'm afriad to ask her. I told her last night that I would wait for her. I, the most impatient person on the PLANET. I'm waiting. Because it's the right thing to do. She waited for 2 years for the day that I wouldn't hurt her and she just kept waiting. So I owe it to her, to give her time. I want her to trust me so badly. My days are different now. I smile, and I haven't cried since Monday...Which is good. Considering that for almost 5 months, I've cried myself to sleep every night. I went off my meds last month...I was on Prozac for a while...Oh man, that was the worst. Because even trying to be normal, made me remember her. When we first got together, she was on Prozac. I used to be on Effexor, but eventually, I stopped going to therapy. But I went back right after her and I broke up in April and I lost 15 lbs in 2 weeks. Not a healthy move. I would cry myself to sleep at night and then I would wake up sreaming bloody murder in less than an hour. I was in physical pain from what I was dreaming. I wasn't doing so well for a while there...After the first month, my mom stopped coming in to check on me...Talking to her might hurt occasionally, but it hurts less than not talking to her. I need her...It's odd to me...I've never needed anybody, and I rarely let anybody talk care of me, but I let her once...I don't know how I know that I love her, but I do. It just...is...We talked for...I don't know how many hours today...About everything. The dumbest stuff...and serious things too. I've forgotten what normal conversation felt like. Her and I have always been able to talk about random things, but there is so much that went unsaid for all those months. I have missed her, and I miss her now...But I'll wait. Because I love you changes everything.
♥
Me