So I was talking to summer school crush today (yeah, we're at that stage woo!) and he was pretty peppy and making full on eye contact with me, and I'm glad I got into the vibe and went into movies and a certain one and if he was going, and he said no. He asked if I was... and I said I might be, but I'd want to go with a friend. Brown eyes perk up here, and I swear to God... he says 'well I don't like going alone either'. My heart is all ooooooooh here we go.
Then, we talk on for a bit more about the movie in question and he says he's taking his GIRLfriend. I don't let it phase me, and we keep talking and he's still jazzed and eye-connected and I'm mentally going: You're in the closet, you're bisexual, your girlfriend is just a friend, you want me to give you a kiss since your eyes are boring (as in, digging) their way into my own now.
However, none of the above was confirmed and that's about how our convo ended. Dissapointing, glad to know it's that way rather than just pining after him as much as I was before, but now I want to kiss him even more. When we got back into class as I was thinking about that, he answered a question and mentally I'm thinking: your VOICE is not normal male-style, it's not bad and it's probably half an octave deeper than mine, but c'mon, be non-straight!
I'm writing this crappily basically, since my cousin is yelling at my mother a few rooms away and I'm doing the obvious thing (listening). And it's really windy outside, so maybe there'll be a lightning strike and my boy will get hit by lightning and I will too, and we'll wind up in the Emergency Room together and I'll see him half-naked and this will be God's message. Maybe!
Anyway, the summer school course itself is getting more difficult, so that's no fun. It's great prep for my final year though, since I'll have to actually study for things to get where I want to (I do great normally, but I'd be above 87%-92% ALL the time if I studied). Listening to Youtube vid of Cher's Believe. Catchy at other times but not feeling it now. The video isn't inspiringly gay to me at this moment, but whatever.
I can talk to brownie crush boy some more tomorrow for sure, maybe even inquire about going to the movie with him and his GF (although I think that's too far pretty much) but hmm. I'm ready to take the risk and come out to him as a relatively random individual who's in a community away from mine, but still might affect me/know others who I know (and thus tell them I'm gay!). Cornering him one day sounds risky though, and a last day of summer school make-out fest seems improbable.
Hmm. And I'm sure he'd give me his number if I asked, but I don't know what I'd really do with it aside from asking him to a movie and having to JUST be friendly with him and not attempt to flirt or get him interested.
Damn damn damn. Big Brother 8 is on tonight though, yay. Two gay guys there, they're both nifty looking, one fits a lot of stereotypes - and oooh, there's this mother (Kail) who on the first episode said in a closed-camera bit: If one of my children came out to me as being a part of the gay lifestyle.... I would be very unhappy. I hope she says something and everyone goes postal on her.
Thanks for reading, I wish I could have just given him a kiss today and seen what happened, but we still have weeks of school together, it was in a public place, and he might have shoved me away since I don't know him THAT well. :(