I call my mom
"so... how is dad (meaning, is he still "too stressed out for me to come out to him at the present time?)
"okay. working too much as usual. really too stressed out. you know he had to go on high blood pressure medication?" (meaning he is doing better but you absolutely cannon come out to him. don't even think about it. you did promise not to tell him, remember?)
"it's just, isn't he coming up here to visit soon?" (meaning I am out as a jay bird is blue up here , everyone here knows including my boss and he isn't THAT daft)
I always call and it always ends in this stalemate.
I feel like I am keeping something from my dad.
She thinks she is somehow protecting me and won't budge.
And in the meantime I started having nightmares of my dad confronting me and being all upset and sad and hurt because I didn't trust him enough to tell him.