i graduate today... i should be excited.... i am to a certain extent i guess.... excited to get the hell out of this town, exicted to move out of this house but completely confused... feeling incredibly lonely, isolated, removed...

for a couple years, i've known that my mom and her partner both grew up in abusive situations... REALLY abusive situations.... no one ever bothered to tell me just the extent of the abuse or the aftermath... i didn't get the full story (or at least half of the story) until yesterday....

for years i've known my mom was a little off.... hysterical over everything... not all the way there i guess.... yesterday my dad talked to me about what was going on with both my mom and her partner... my mom had started to let me in on some stuff after a big blowup we had a couple of months ago... she didn't even begin to scratch the surface of their abuse...

both my mom and her partner were physically abused, tortured, abused in groups, all kinds of sexual shit.... both were cutters, had (migh still have?) multiple personalities, horrible cases of anorexia while being cutters (that's never a good situation....), all kinds of shit.... weird shit....

this all came up for only one reason... one of my best friends who i am absolutely in love with is a cutter and my other friend and i suspect she's been sexually abused... my mom doesn't want me hanging around her etc etc.... what a hypocrite!!!

it all makes sense now though... my mom's hysteria.... i always just thought my mom was bipolar... now i get it... i'm such a dumbshit

i just don't know if i'm going to be able to deal with it in the end.... this whole cutting thing with so many people in my life is really starting to overwhelm me.... the whole sexual abuse thing... christ.... i honestly don't know how to deal

and the scary thing is that my mom is a therapist who works with people who have all kinds of issues... when my mom still has so many things going on how can she help other people? that's what i want to know... weird how that works....

and last night i call my best friend (not the one i'm in love with... the other one... sorry it gets confusing)... i never get a call back... the only reason i never get a call back is when she's with the girl that i'm totally head over heels off... there are a lot of things that are beginnning to happen where the two of them don't want me to be part of it... etc etc etc... this friend would always call me back... always... she is the most understanding, caring person i've ever had in my life... i'm really starting to get suspicious.... why didn't she call me back.... it sounds stupid but i know for a fact that she was at my crush's house last night and just never bothered to call me back... i needed someone to talk all this shit out with... god damn it... this makes me scared... who am i going to have to fall back on?? i'm so scared....

and only to make it worse, my dad took the three of us out to dinner last night... my girl managed to wear my favorite outfit on her (fucking gorgeous) and then be totally in love with my other friend (who's complete straight) all night long... my dad had no problem telling me that he saw it too and that i just need to suck it up and move on... thanks dad...

this girl is hurting... i want to help her more than anything in the world.... it's almost like she's told me everything and now she just doesn't want my help... we have the same best friend but she doesn't want anything to do with me....

i am giving them their grad presents tomorrow and wrote them letters last night.... i cried while i typed them.... i've never had friends this good to me and now i feel like i'm losing them...

and then there's my parents to deal with... holy shit...

it's time for some starbucks... i need some fucking caffeine to get me through this day... i know i'm going to be up for the next 9043783868 hours too... my grad party is directly after graduation at 11pm... kinda cool to have a night party but god damn i'm going to be exhausted...

just gotta make it through today...