i am blank for a title. no smart ass remark. no lovesick phrase.
nothing. mind is as blank as my four white walls.
i've been learning new things everyday.
&& as much as i don't want to come to the realization that...its the right thing. i can't lie anymore to myself. or anyone else for that matter.
over the past few days. i've realized;
*how money hungry people are & how it's frustrating.
*how you can't just wait for things to happen, but you have to take action.
*how insecure & self-conscious people are.
*why some people do the things they do.
*how moving on is really a...big thing.
*the reason why people hold on to things.
...there may be more. but all in all i've learned/realized a lot about life & the events in mine and other people's lives affect others.
i guess. i like having to learn new things. although i figure them out later than i needed to. i'd sit there contemplating about a certain subject and beating myself up 'cause i don't know what the hell to do. & i lose everything 'cause of the mistake of being an idiot and not thinking it through and doing something totally stupid. && later i think about it and slap myself 'cause i knew the consequences but i never thought about it too much.
in 4th period today (math btw). it's always 4 of us in the corner of the class doing both our work and discussing some recent problem with our lives. lol. so it's me, nesia, jan-jan, and justine. we got on the subject of relationships and stuff 'cause of lil 'ol me lol. i stated. which i hate but i'd rather admit it than deny it.
i admitted that...i'm lonely. we all started talking about it and how it sucks 'cause we're all single 'tho i'm the only girl-lover in the group lol. anyhoo. nesia brings up her ex and was asking me (yeah i've become counselor for every single one of my friends 'cause i guess since i'm the lesbian i know more and it's weird 'cause it always involves guys :/ funnie)
anyways. she told us how her ex told her he still loves her but he's going into the navy, and she wants to know whether or not she should wait for him.
hmm. i told her no. yeah i'm that straight up with my friends. rather let them have the truth then for me to sugar coat an answer for them. what was my reason? well. c'mon. so much things can happen to either him or her while he's away. jan-jan came up with the idea that he'd have a bf by the time he gets off the ship XD hehe. i mean. ok yeah you'd wait for someone you loved, but are you even sure you love them?
anything could happen. she could meet someone while he's gone and BAM it could be love. then what happens to him? comes back to nothing. heartbreak. or the other way around. he could end up meeting some chik (idk where) and things could happen. he comes back and brings her back. whats gonna happen with my friend? heartbreak.
that's why...i HATE love. i don't like the word at all anymore. yeah. harsh. & yes it's 'cause of my ex. i know. i know. that i shouldn't be taking it that far and giving up but as i said before. i know that i am young, but i did see myself staying with this girl and being with her my whole life.
BUT. here's another thing that i wanted to mention. nesia made me realize this although i knew this, but as no one wants to admit the truth 'cause the truth hurts.
i need to move on & i told her that she should too. why? 'cause what sense is it gonna make to wait for someone that you know deep inside...isn't gonna come back to you? why go through all those lonely night wishing and hoping that they'd come back to you 'tho you know that they won't and it's over?
lies. the things we tell ourselves to make life a lil tiddy bit easier to handle. but does it work out in the end? NO!
yes. it is a bit pessimistic, but it's true. no one can never say that they never waited for someone although they knew that they won't come back. it's love. breaks hearts, but it also mends it. mine isn't mended yet, but i give it time. the process is getting better but it is still hard.
sigh. well. that's all i wanted to share actually. it was on my mind & it needed to get out. hope everyone is doing okay :)