i am still trying to comprehend the last 72 hours of my life....

as i wrote in an earlier journal entry... i came out to my crush (let's call her b) on friday night... she was suprised that i was gay but didn't really seem to care.... she's pretty hard to read and doesn't really let on her emotions but all in all i thought it went really well....

sunday my best friend a and i were hanging out with b.... the three of us have become incredibly close really really quick.... i have a couple of friends that cut and so a and i were just talking about self mutilation in general... and out of nowhere b admits "yeah, i used to cut".... notice the "used to".... well i'm not suprised.... but how horrible is that? it hit a and i so hard.... both of us are pretty sure that b is gay.... so we automatically thought that was what the cutting was over.... but the more we talked about it (we must have talked for 5 hours last night) we stated to piece some things together.... she's been fucked with.... literally.... we are almost dead positive.... the comments she has made to us in the past just scream for attention now that we know what's going on.... her dad is a complete creep.... she refuses to sleep in her own bedroom... there are just way too many signs....

i have never in my life been filled with so so much anger.... anger at whoever did this to her... anger at myself..... b is in so so much pain... i sit and have pity parties for myself when the girl who i absolutely adore is in so much pain..... i am so god damn self centered.....

today we were sitting in class and she leaned over to me and whispered something in my ear.... the moment she touched me i started to shake... not because of my attraction to her.... that has nothing to do with it.... i just felt physically sick to my stomach.... i just wanted to love on her and make it better... not in a sexually way, nothing explict.... just a simple hug.... i just wanted her to know that i was there for her....

this issue seriously disturbs me..... both my mom and my mom's partner were sexually abused and i understand what it does to people.... my mom's partner had multiple personalities for years.... fucked up shit.... i swear to god if i saw her dad tomorrow i don't think i would be able to control myself.... bastard.... filthy fucking bastard....

i come to school this morning with that on my mind.... i was having such a hard time.... and then it only got worse.... my old best friend/girl who admitted a really strong attraction to me has completely outed me... she is telling everyone possible that i'm gay.... basically because she is afraid that people are going to start wondering about her.... kinda weird that she would out for because of that (you would think she would want to do the opposite to cover up her own sexual preferences but whatever)....

i was completely taken aback... wtf? i was thinking... but as the day went on i became more and more comfortable with it.... i am 18 years old.... i graduate in 8 weeks and then i'm out of this place.... moving on with my life... peole can judge me if they want... whatever...

people at school are mature enough to realize that what she is doing to me is completely inappropriate.... a friend of mine who is vehemently opposed to homosexual behavior came up to me today and said "i've known for a year" wtf? apparently she's been telling people for way longer than i thought.... she said "i don't agree with the behavior but what she has done is completely wrong in every way".... " i still want to be your friend"... and then she gave me a hug....

lately i've been having trouble with the concept of god..... but after this weekend for some reason i am absolutely certain that there is something out there bigger than me... something that is the reason why all of us are here... and at some level that gives me piece of mind.... i know that god would never give me more than i could handle....

i am going to make it through this just fine.... and the only person i have left to come out to now is my dad.... i will do that in the next couple of weeks.... i emailed him today and basically just told him i need him to fly up here (he's in san antonio, i'm in seattle) we don't see each other that often but he was so understanding... saying that he would definitely be here.... and that he loved me....

the last 3 days of my life have had a greater influence on me than the whole rest of my life.... i'm going to make it through this... and i'm going to be a stronger person for it... that's the notion i'm hanging onto right now...