Okay, so I'm over my straight crush.
I mean, it's not like I need a crush to complete me or anything, I just need to rant about my last crush and some possible ones. If you don't want to read a stupid, whiny rant, I suggest you don't continue here.
My last crush was on a girl I've known since we were in preschool. When I was in love with her, it seemed as though as we were destined to be together, you know? We meet as kids, then hopefully we would both discover we're gay, fall in love, and have a wonderful future together. God, it was like something out of a cheesy romance novel. I had so many fantasies about what it would be like to grow up with her, not to mention do other things with her. ;) I had a huge, epic crush on this girl.
Well, guess what? She's straight. No matter what I do, she will never feel the way I did for her. For some reason, I keep getting these gay vibes off of her, but I think that's just wishful thinking. Ugh. I feel weird every time I see her. I'm no longer in love with her, but I still wish we could have that storybook romance, that perfect relationship. I honestly don't think we can have a perfect relationship, anyway, not anymore. She's so different from me. She creeps me out a lot. She wears these huge, dangly earrings that she seems to think are "cute." I don't really have anything against the earrings. I just think they look weird, and it's strange seeing them on her. She's not the kid I loved anymore. She's so, and I know this sounds childish, girly. It just weirds me out how she always wears makeup and huge earrings and puts her hair in a bunch of styles. I WANT THE GIRL I KNEW BACK, DAMMIT! This adolescent isn't my friend! What has she done with her?
I know that L (my crush) can't help who she is, but it still bugs me for some reason. I don't know why I'm being so superficial. I swear, I am being such a bitch about this. It's weird. It's like we've suddenly become incompatible or something. It's kind of like we both used to be water, but then someone mixed some oil in with my crush, and now we just don't mix. She seems to think I'm weird, too. She and I just got into an argument over the book/movie Eragon. She thinks I'm weird for wanting to read the huge, long book version of it, and she'd rather just watch the movie. But the book is so much better than the movie! How can she not want to read it just because it's long? It's a really good book, and I think it's worth reading, no matter how long it takes you to finish it.
See? We have these quibbles with each other, and all of the little things about each other that never bugged us in the past are bothering us now. I mean, L's always known that I like to read, and I've always known that she'd rather talk to her friends than pick up a book, but it's never really bothered me before! Ugh. Maybe it's just hormones. I have been PMSing lately, after all.
So, anyways, that hopeless crush is over. And now I don't know what to do. I was pursuing this other girl a few weeks earlier. I said hi to her in class a lot, and I gave her compliments like, "I like your shirt." But now I've just...given up on her. I mean, sure, she smiles at me whenever I say hi to her, but maybe she's just smiling to cover up her surprise. Maybe she's thinking, "Why does this weirdo keep trying to talk to me? It's like she's stalking me or something." And when I had that thought, I immediately stopped chasing after her.
I just wish I knew some other gay girl my age who was willing to date me and who I wanted to date, too. Ugh.
Yesterday, while I was talking with one of my friends, I suddenly had this strange feeling for her. I recognized the feeling. It was a sappy feeling, the kind I had had for L before.
Then I thought, "No! I can't have these feelings for her! It's just wrong!"
It's not wrong for the reasons you think.
See, she's my best guy friend's girlfriend, so nothing good could ever come out of a crush on her.
Now I'm trying to stop myself from developing a full-blown crush on her, because if I do, I will end up neck-deep in a pile of shit.
I am so SICK of hopeless crushes!! When will I find someone who isn't straight or taken? Gaah!
Okay, rant over now. If you read this entire thing, I applaud you for your patience!
Now please, comment and make me feel better about this.